Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky about parenting: Do not decide for children what they want

About your self-confidence and how it affects your child

Surely you dream that your children know,what they want is a very important quality for life, because it is a question of self-confidence, high self-esteem, the right choice of work, family, friends, etc. How to teach this to a child? No way, if you do not know how to realize your desires.Mikhail Labkovsky - the most expensive psychologistRussiaPhoto: personal archiveMy generation parents never asked: “What do you want for breakfast or lunch? What kind of clothes should you choose? ”Usually, what the mother prepared, we ate. The key words for us were “right” and “right.” So when I grew up, I began to ask myself: what do I really want? And I realized that I did not know the answer. And so many of us — we’re used to living automatically repeating parental scenarios, and this is a big problem, because the only way to live your life happily is to live it the way you want. years develop by analogy with the parents - this is how the whole animal world works. That is, for him you are an example. You ask: how to learn to understand your desires? Start small with household details. And sooner or later you will understand what you want to do. Ask yourself: what kind of cottage cheese do you like? Once you find the answer, move on. For example, you got up in the morning - and do not eat what is in the refrigerator or cooked in advance, if you do not want to eat it. It is better to go to a cafe, and in the evening buy yourself what you really love. In the store buy what you really like, and not what you sell on sale. And dressing in the morning, choose the clothes that you like.A photo: Getty imagesThere is one important problem with self-doubt - this is ambivalence, when you are torn apart by multidirectional desires: for example, you can eat and lose weight, sleep and watch TV, and also have a lot of money and not work. This is the psychology of neurotics: a state of internal conflict, their life is not in the way they want, there are always supposedly circumstances that interfere ... We must get out of this vicious circle, perhaps with the help of a psychologist. Such people do not respect their choice, they can be quickly destroyed for a long time, and their motivation is changing rapidly. What to do with it? Regardless of whether it is right or not, try to do what you want. If you make a decision, try not to spill it along the way and bring it to the end! The exception is force majeure. Another advice for doubters: you need to ask less questions to others. My favorite example is the women's fitting room in the store: there you can see these women right away! Do not call the saleswomen or husband and do not ask them if the thing is coming to you or not. If you do not understand yourself, stand and think at least until the closing of the store, but the decision should be yours! It is difficult and unusual, but in a different way - in any way. As for other people who want something from you (and this is how our world works, that everyone needs something from each other), you should proceed from what you yourself want. If a person’s desire coincides with yours, you can agree, but don’t do anything to the detriment of yourself or your will! Let me give you a hard example: you have small children who need attention, and you came from work, you are very tired and you don’t want to play with them . If you still go to play, you do it not because of the feeling of love, but because of the feeling of guilt. Children feel so good! It is much better to say to the child: “I'm tired today, let's play tomorrow.” And the child will understand that the mother plays with him, because she really likes to do it, and not because she should feel like a good mother.

About child independence

A photo: Gettyimages Roughly speaking, there are two doctrines for the care of babies: one says that the child should be fed by the hour, and the other that the food should be given when he wants. Many choose to feed on the clock, because it is convenient - everyone wants to live and sleep. But even this nuance is fundamental in terms of the formation of the child’s own desires. Children, of course, need to be regulated in food, but as part of proper nutrition, you can ask: “What do you want for breakfast?” Or when you go to the store with your child: “I have 1,500 rubles, we want to buy you shorts and a tank top. Choose them yourself. ” The idea that parents know better than children what they need is rotten; they don’t know anything at all! Those kids whose parents, by choice, donate to various sections, also do not understand later what they want. And besides, they do not know how to dispose of their own time, since they simply do not have it. Children should be left to themselves for 2 hours a day in order to learn to occupy themselves and think about what they want. A child matures, and if you ask him on all sorts of reasons what he would like, then everything with his desires will be good. . And then, by the age of 15–16, he will begin to understand what he wants to do further. Of course, he may be wrong, but this is normal. You don’t need to force anyone to enter a university either: he will study for 5 years, and then live with his unloved profession all his life! Ask him questions, take interest in his hobbies, give him some pocket money - and he will really understand what he wants.

How to recognize the talents of the child

I want to say right away that the child does not go to schoolis obliged to learn nothing! Advanced development is nothing at all. At this age, a child can only do something in a playful way and only when he wants to. You sent your child to a club or section, and after some time he got bored? No need to force him. And the fact that you feel sorry for the wasted time is your problem. Psychologists believe that a stable interest in any activity appears in children only after 12 years. You, as parents, can offer him, and he will choose. Whether a child has talent or not - this is his life. If he has abilities, and he wants to realize them, then so it will be, and nothing can interfere! Many people think: if my child has an ability for something, it should be developed. In fact - no need! He has his own life, and you do not need to live for him. A child should want to draw, and the ability to create beautiful pictures in itself does not mean anything, many can have it. Music, painting, literature, medicine – you can achieve something in these areas only if you feel the need for them! Of course, any mother is sad to see her son not wanting to develop his obvious talent. And the Japanese say on this account that you don’t necessarily have to pick a beautiful flower, you can just look at it and pass by. But we can’t accept the situation and say: “You draw cool, well done” – and move on.

How to get your child to help around the house

When a small child sees his mother and fatherdo something around the house, then of course he wants to join in. And if you tell him: "Go away, don't bother me!" (after all, he will break more plates than he will wash), then don't be surprised when your 15-year-old son won't wash his cup. Therefore, if a child shows initiative, he should always be supported. You can offer to participate in a common cause. But then no appeals to conscience: "Aren't you ashamed, your mother is straining herself alone." As the ancients noted long ago: conscience and a sense of guilt are needed only to control people.A photo: Getty images If the parent is relaxed and enjoys life, then he has a very simple life. For example, a mother likes to wash dishes and can wash her for a child. But if she is reluctant to mess around at the sink, then she is not obliged to wash the dishes for her son. But he wants to eat from a clean cup, he is told: “I don’t like dirty things, go, wash with you!” This is much more progressive and more efficient than having rules in your head. It is not necessary to force the eldest child to be as a nurse for the younger one, if he does not want this. Remember: no matter how old he is, he wants to be a child. When you say: “You are an adult, big”, you generate jealousy for the baby. First, the elder begins to think that his childhood is over, and secondly, that he is simply not loved.

About children's tantrums

A photo: Getty images Yes, sometimes they happen for no good reason, out of the blue. At some point, children begin to realize that the world does not belong to them. This can happen, for example, when a mother puts it in her crib, and does not leave him to sleep with her. Those kids who due to various circumstances did not pass this period, “stuck”, suffer their own failures, unfulfilled desires - this causes them severe tantrum. The nervous system is loosened. And parents, on the contrary, often raise the threshold of sensitivity of the child when they raise their voices. First, never react to screams, just leave the room. The child must understand that, until he calms down, the conversation will not go further. Say calmly: “I understand what you are experiencing now, but let you calm down and we will talk.” And get out of the room, because the child needs a public for hysterics. Secondly, when you want to punish the baby, you should not make a brutal facial expression. We must approach him, smiling broadly, hug and say: “I love you, nothing personal at all, but we agreed, so now I’m doing just that.” Initially, the child needs to make a condition, explain cause-and-effect relationships, and then, if he violates his agreement, he will be punished for it, but without screams and scandals.Photo:Getty imagesI am often asked about gadgets - how many hours a day can a child play with them? 1.5 hours on weekdays, 4 hours on weekends, and this time includes doing homework on the computer. And so - until adulthood. And this should be a rule without exception. Turn off Wi-Fi at home, take away gadgets when the child is alone at home, and give them back when you come home - there are many options.