“I loved you, but you yourself did not notice howdestroyed my psyche and life. Goodbye everyone - friends, family, and acquaintances. Don't worry, I will leave beautifully. Good luck to everyone in your life and please do not be afraid to live the way you want or see fit. Living for pleasure is the best life. I love you. ”This text is a suicide note that Pskov Bonnie and Clyde left on their social media pages. Both have the same text. Both social media posts are filled with a desperate sense of uselessness. ... Having burst into the house where the children were barricaded, the police found them dead. Denis and Katya were 15 years old. Why is this happening, why children go to such a terrible protest, Woman's Day. And what to do to protect the child, says psychotherapist Tatyana Ogneva-Salvoni.Photo: social networks

1. Do not shift your powerlessness to the child

A child at this age needs to be explained everything.Usually the concepts of what is good and what is bad are laid down before 10 years. But if parents were unable to set boundaries in their time, then in the adolescence of children they are faced with the first fruits of their upbringing. And here it is important that the parent does not shift the responsibility onto the child. When they shout and beat, it comes from powerlessness, from unwillingness to understand their own guilt. You have to admit for yourself: this is yours, parental "joint." And there is nothing wrong with telling a teenager frankly: they say, you know, I am sorry that I did not manage to convey to you what is good and what is bad, what is good and what is evil. Children at this age feel sincerity very well, and they need to be spoken to from the heart. You can tell them something like: I understand, now you are almost an adult, you have your own opinion, but I will say that it hurts me (sad, unpleasant, etc.) if you do this and that -then. It upsets me when you behave this way and that.

2. Talk about your feelings

Show that you are not a robot, not an ideal, not a robot.unattainable one, and also a living person. And, therefore, other people are also alive, with their feelings. Speaking of his feelings, the parent shows strength and wisdom.Photo: GettyImages

3. Learn to hear the feelings of your child

And then you need to become a little psychotherapist forhim. Asking leading questions, not condemning, edifying, not educating. And with the help of simple leading questions “What happened? How do you feel? Why do you need this? And what is behind this? What is the use / benefit / point of this? What would I call it, what's good about it? What does it give you ”and so on, you can get to the bottom of why the child goes to any extreme measure, what he wants to achieve by violating the laws of society. The main thing in this case is to withstand his negative feelings and claims. Agree with them: they say, these are your feelings, yes, you have the right to them. And at one time I was also angry / offended / outraged ... You can tell about a similar experience from my adolescence. Just not to lose contact with your child. Just to speak. A calm conversation, in which the goal is to figure out what is happening in the soul, in the life of a child, is more effective than any punishment.

4. To be ready to see its shortcomings in it

To the fact that the child will be reflected in a threefoldthe size of something that makes you shut yourself in yourself, which you do not want to see in yourself. For example, one mother suppressed a depression with suicidal thoughts, hid herself from herself, did not want to understand it, switched all the time to some kind of positive. At age 13, her daughter began to wear only black clothes, frankly speaking out loud what her mother had hidden from herself. Mom could not stand it, broke into scandals, which only intensified the destructive processes in the family and influenced everyone around. I almost did not get to the tragedy until my mother confessed to herself that she wanted to throw herself out of the window, and her daughter seemed to read this her hidden desire. She went to therapy, figured out her neurosis, with what was poisoning her inner life. And her daughter stopped playing depressed and suicidal.Photo: GettyImages

5. To say that the child is not right

It is necessary, but it is important to approach this correctly. Otherwise you can so convince him of his own wrong that he will then after all his life consider that everything is wrong, to give up the joys of life, to punish himself and so on. It is important to divide the blame, right and responsibilities for two. Like, I'm wrong that I shouted at you / did not explain / did not protect (that is, to acknowledge some kind of real blame for the child), and you're not right that you did this and that's it. But I'm your father / mother, and I have a duty to teach you the rules of life, I must tell you this and that. And you, like my child, should listen to me. And it is advisable to obey.

6. Be sure to try to find something good in the situation

It is very important to find good for yourself, and forchild. You know, I learned this one and that. And what does this teach you? I realized this and that, I now understand that ... What did you realize, and what do you understand? It is necessary to praise something, to finish on something positive, which will say that you still appreciate it, that you see not only its mistakes, but also its merits, its merits.

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