For sure, everyone faced this problem: first, the child is naughty, cringe, and then breaks down into an uncontrollable roar that does not stop until the child gets tired. Fabiana Santos, mother of a five-year-old daughter, is no exception. She, who gave her a child psychologist. And we translated her advice for you. “I haven’t studied every book on child psychology, I didn’t learn how to avoid / stop / hysterical child. But I had to learn. I want to share the “formula” that I recently learned about. It really works. But first, I want to tell you a story. My daughter went to kindergarten and was very nervous because of this. She said that she could not keep up with everyone. It ended with the fact that the daughter fell into a tantrum at the slightest provocation, because of some meaningless trifles. On the recommendation of the school, we signed up for a child psychologist so that Alice could talk about what she felt. I hoped that would help.
Photo:Getty ImagesAmong the many pieces of advice that psychologist Sally Neuberger gave us, there was one that I thought was fantastic, even though it was so simple. I decided it was worth a try. The psychologist explained to me that we need to let children know that their feelings matter, that you respect them. Whatever the reason for the meltdown, we need to help children think and understand what is happening to them. When we acknowledge that their experiences are real, and at the same time involve them in solving the problem, we can stop the tantrum. It doesn’t matter what the reason for the tantrum is: the doll’s arm is broken, it’s time to go to bed, the homework is too hard, you don’t feel like singing. It doesn’t matter. At that moment, you need to look the child in the eye and ask in a calm tone: “Is this a big problem, a medium one, or a small one?” Honest reflection on what is happening around her works like magic for my daughter. Every time I ask her this question, she answers honestly. And together we find a solution – based on her own ideas about where to look for it. A small problem is solved easily and simply. Medium problems will also be solved, but not right away – she must understand that there are things that take time. If the problem is serious – obviously, serious things, from a child’s point of view, cannot be ignored, even if they seem silly to us – we may have to talk longer to help her understand that sometimes not everything goes the way we want. I can give you many examples when this question worked. For example, we were choosing clothes for school. My daughter often worries about outfits, especially when it’s cold outside. She wanted to wear her favorite pants, but they were in the wash. She started to sulk, and I asked: “Alice, is this a big, medium or small problem?” She looked at me shyly and quietly said: “Small.” But we already knew that a small problem is easy to solve. “How are we going to solve this problem?” I asked. It’s important to give her time to think. And she said, “Put on different pants.” I said, “We have several pairs of pants to choose from.” She smiled and went to choose her pants. And I congratulated her on solving her problem herself. I don’t think there are any miracle recipes for raising children. I think it’s a real saga, a mission to introduce people to the world: to go through all the obstacles, to follow paths that sometimes lead us into an ambush, to have the patience to turn back and try another way. But thanks to this method, light appeared on my path as a mother. And I want to share it with you. I hope with all my heart that this method will work for you, too.”
