Confession of a Divorcee: How to Raise a Real Man Son Without a Father - Personal Experience

When I was alone with the child seven years ago,at first everything was not bad at all. It happens when calm comes to the house. The son was only ten years old, and he was expecting a divorce no less than mine, because my husband was an eerie tyrant-everything under his control, everything just as he wants, does not exist to another true point of view. And he is always right, even when he is wrong, he is right. With such a difficult life for everyone, and a teenager in the period of "transitional revolt" is extremely difficult. But I would continue to endure - all the same comfortable and well-adjusted life. But the last straw for me was his passion for the secretary, which I accidentally found out. After the divorce, it became almost immediately clear to me that I had done everything right. Nikita's son did not flinch at the bell any more, we began spending more time together: we prepared pizza, went to the cinema, uploaded films and watched them, embracing, in the room. He stroked my cheek and said that in their class, half of the children grow up without fathers, that I will necessarily meet a good man ...A photo: GettyImages And then began my first problems from a life performance called "Divorce," which strongly influenced my son. Act one. I always held on to marriage as a concept of a complete family. Therefore, I tried to go to visit, where there are good fathers. This is an example for a child-boy: he must see different family values, learn traditions, take part in men's work. And then one day, when I came to my dacha to my friends, I noticed that my school friend was in some way inadequately responding to me. A son with a friend of Sergei helped his father chop wood, I stood beside him, worrying about the fire in the grill. The day was wonderful. And then I was asked a question: "Jul, and what all the time with the peasants, then rubs? My husband does not need help. For this I have! "I even shivered. Jealousy. We knew each other for two decades, and in my honesty there is someone who, and she could not doubt. So ended our friendship. Act two. Then it was even more interesting. For so many years of marriage, my husband and I have many friends in common. And after our divorce, the cleaning began. But it was not I who cleaned it-they cleaned me of notebooks from those who used to smile and call for their birthday. Some supported my ex with his new woman, and I was allowed to enter their house only if he was not visiting. It's clear. But I did not need such an invitation. I was faced with the fact that many family couples I liked in a state of ringing. And here's one ... Yes, I looked all the same, young, well-groomed, calm. But I did not expect jealousy. I never gave reasons and did not even rush to respond to the courtship of other men. It was insulting. I cried. I missed noisy trips to tourist centers, joint trips abroad. So there was loneliness. I threw all my love, warmth and attention to Nikita. A year later, I quite naturally received my mother's infantile son, who could not do his own lessons alone, fell asleep only in my bed, started complaining about something we can not buy ... What have I done? It seemed to me that I was creating favorable conditions for the boy. In fact, all these 11 months I saved myself from depression. I took everything on my shoulders that my son could do on his own. Scoring holes in the soul, so my heart was shaking. But the good, the brains and the understanding of life quickly stood in place. I managed to formulate for myself the five rules of educating my son alone. The first thing I said to myself: I have a man in my house! Second: so what, that our family is small and not father. After the war, every second boy had no father. And mothers brought up worthy men. Third: we do not live on an uninhabited island. Let's find a male example! Fourth: we ourselves will create a company of good friends! Fifth: sometimes it is the bad male example in the family that prevents the real man from becoming. Divorce is not a tragedy. But to formulate is one thing. It was necessary to carry out these rules by some miracle. And then the difficulties began. My relaxed, beloved son-prince was very surprised at the changes. Rather, he resisted. He cried out for pity, cried and cried that I no longer loved him.Photo: GettyImages I started to fight.At first I made a schedule of household chores. This is a mandatory item for the education of the boy. Not the mother jumps around the son, and the son should ask what to do. Here it is necessary and to play along a bit. If I spent a year on my own in the supermarkets and carried two huge bags home, now the trips to the store were joint. Nikita whined, as the northern winds whine over the fishermen's boats. I reserved my patience. And all the time she said: "Son, what would I do without you! How strong you are! Now we have a lot of potatoes. " He was stern. He did not like shopping. But he clearly felt himself to be a peasant. I asked to meet at the entrance when I came home late from work. Yes, I would have reached it myself! But I said that I was scared. Everything that concerned the machine, we did together: changed the wheels on the tire changer, poured oil, went to the TO. And all the time with the words: "My God, it's good that there is a man in my house!" She taught me to save. On the fifth day of each month, we sat at the kitchen table with envelopes. They put out their wages and begged alimony. Every time I had to call my dad and remind him. He tried to call his son and ask if his mother spends his money on himself. And then I heard a real man's answer: "Dad, I think it's a shame to say that. You are a man! If your mother eats two candies for your alimony, do you need to tell me about this? "There were no more calls. Like the dads of the day off. But there was pride for his son. Our envelopes were signed: 1. Apartment, internet, car. Power. Music player, pool, tutor. House (detergents, shampoos, cat food and hamster) .5. Money in school.6. Yellow entertainment envelope. Now Nikita participated in the drafting of the family budget on an equal footing. And I understood perfectly why the yellow envelope was the most scrupulous. So my boy learned to appreciate my work, money, work. I learned compassion. It happened so naturally. We immediately put aside money for entertainment: at the cinema, friends' birthdays, sushi, games. But very often the son offered to spend this money for urgent needs. For example, buy new sneakers: old torn. Several times Nikita offered to give money to the needy. And I almost cried with happiness. Man! After all, summer fires left many people in our region without things and shelter. The second time, money from a yellow envelope went to help people who were left homeless: a gas pipeline exploded in their house. Nikita collected his books, things, and together we went to the school where the aid headquarters was. Such a boy should ever see!A photo: GettyImages This does not mean that we stopped going to the movies or eating pizza in the evenings. Simply the son understood, that it is necessary to postpone this. I must say that we never needed money while I was married. And they even considered themselves quite secured. But the new life brought us new difficulties. And now I thank for this sky. And my husband - strange as it may sound. We did it! Yes, it was difficult to learn in passing that he, forgetting to pay alimony, bought himself a new cool car, drove his ladies to Bali, to Prague or Chile. Nikita saw all these photos in social networks, and I was hurt for my son to tears. But it was necessary to be smarter. The son still had to have an opinion that both parents loved him. It is important. And I said: "Nikita, Dad can spend money on anything. He earns them, he has the right. When we got divorced, even a cat with a hamster stayed with us. We are two - we are a family. And he is alone. He is lonely. "I gave it to the sports section. I found a coach. By feedback on the forums. So the boy began to go on judo. Discipline, communication with a man and peers, the first competition. Success and failure. Belt. Medals. Summer sports camps. It grew on the eyes. You know, boys have such an age ... It seems like a child and suddenly a young man. Friends were surprised by the changes in our lives. My son grew up, and I grew up with him. We still went to nature, fishing, dacha, where Nikita could communicate with the popes, uncles and grandfathers of friends. Real friends are not jealous. Let them be small, but this is my stronghold. The son learned to catch pike and catfish in Astrakhan. A big company we went through the mountain pass, lived in tents. He played the guitar of Tsoi and Vysotsky's songs, and the older men sang along. He was on an equal footing. And these were my second tears of happiness. I created him a circle of fellowship, I did not love him with my sick love, I managed it on time. And for the summer, he got a job for work with my friends at the firm. The idea was mine, but he does not know about it. He came and asked: "Uncle Lesha called, can you work with him?" Two months in the warehouse. Hero! Postponed money. The problem, of course, also was enough. In the teenage period, the boys are beaten by the hands. I had tons of reading literature, watching situations on forums, consulting. And most importantly - to understand that now the children are different. To knock on the table is not for them. It is necessary to win the respect of the child so that the son feels responsible for the mother. You need to be able to communicate with him - honest, on equal terms. He knows that I love him. He knows that I am not crossing the boundaries of his personal territory. He knows that I will never deceive him and fulfill my promises. I'm doing this for you, son, but what do you do? If you did not warn me that you will come late, then you made me nervous. He smoothes the wine - he removes the whole apartment. Himself. So he admits that he is not right. I accept. If you want to take a girl to a movie, I'll give you half of the money. But the second you will earn it yourself. Nikita on the site takes work on translating songs into Russian. The benefit is the Internet.Photo: GettyImagesPsychos? They happen.Do we quarrel? Of course! But there are rules even in quarrels. You need to remember the three "no's": 1. In a quarrel, you can't reproach him for telling you a secret or a revelation. 2. You can't resort to rudeness or name-calling. 3. You can't say phrases like: "I gave my life for you. I didn't marry you because of you. You owe me, etc." I don't know if it's possible to say that I raised a man if he's 17. I think so. On holidays, roses stand on my table from early morning. My favorite ones, powdery ones. If he orders sushi, my portion will be waiting in the refrigerator. He can throw my jeans in the washing machine, knowing that I came from a dirty street. He still meets me from work. And when I'm sick, he yells at me like a man that the tea has cooled down, and he grated ginger and lemon for me. He will always let a woman go first and open the door for her. And for every birthday he saves money to buy me a present. My son. I like him. Although he is not affectionate at all. He can grumble and sometimes communicates quite strictly with his girlfriend. But she told me once that I raised a real man and she feels calm with him. And these were the third tears of my happiness. P.S. When my son was 14, I met a man. In Moscow, completely by chance, at a forum. We just started talking. We drank coffee during the break. We exchanged phone numbers. We congratulated each other on the New Year, and six months later we flew to the Emirates together. I didn’t tell my son about Sasha for a long time, but my boyfriend is not stupid, he said one day: “At least show me a photo!” Nikita entered the geography department of Moscow State University, as he wanted. And I moved to the Moscow region. I am happy to rediscover a life where there is love, mutual understanding and a lot of tenderness.