Almighty Giant: How to Stop Yelling at Your Child - Psychologist

At work, the boss behaves like an old maid in PMS,the husband once again ignored the request to take out the garbage (as if it was so difficult - to bring the package to the container!), the bus was jam-packed, there was already no strength to stand, the shoes were terribly rubbing, the package of food was torn, and the devil had to be collected around the pavement. . I'm finally dropping my shoes. "Did you walk the dog?" - I ask my son. Looks at me with big eyes. "I understand: I forgot." Is it hard for you to do something? Clean the dish with you and take out the dog! And again the toys are all over the room! "- I crash at the cry. Huge eyes are filled with tears, becoming ashamed. But I can not stop now. She screamed. There is emptiness and terrible shame. I embrace the baby, I beg your pardon. And in my heart I know: everything will happen again. Tired, broke, screamed, apologized.Photo: GettyImages It's true, right? Child and family psychologist, how to break this vicious circle. However, for this you have to put yourself in the place of a child. Ekaterina Kes:Between mother and child there is a hugeimbalance of power and personal strength. There is a huge difference in physical size - the child looks at you from the bottom up, you are for him a giant. When we shout, swear, even, maybe, we use physical strength, the child becomes very scared. You are in his eyes - a huge all-powerful giant. And when he screams, the child becomes psychologically less and less, all the weaker, at this moment he loses his personal power and power. There is such a psychological exercise - "The All-powerful giant". To fulfill it, we need two adults. One acts as a child and sits on his knees to look at the "parent" from the bottom up. The second pushes his hands on his hips and, looking at the "child", starts screaming: "Again you did not clean in the room, did not remove the plate behind you, brought a deuce how much you can say, I'll punish you, I'll arrange it for you!" , everything that we usually throw on the child's head in the heat of anger. The main thing is for the "parent" to keep the power posture, there should be more accusations, and it is necessary to speak them out more loudly. Practically scream. The adult - the "child" sits on his knees, looks up to the "parent" and repeats: "I'm small, and I just want to be loved."This is a very emotional exercise. Those who repeat "I'm small", quickly begin to cry. They are remembered from their own childhood: this is a feeling when one wants to be loved, and nothing else, they remember their helplessness, inability to protect themselves, feelings of resentment, injustice. He really has nothing more to say to an adult. Children - our children - simply can not formulate this feeling, the desire to be loved. Therefore, they try to "squeeze" out of us love in other ways, sometimes even destructive.We are so busy, we never have time.And in the end, we yell at the one we love the most, the one we care about, and it hurts them a lot. Then the couple changes places and repeats the exercise. According to the psychologist, after such training, many parents stop yelling. The overwhelming emotions are too strong. In addition, Ekaterina gives some more advice on how to finally cope with yourself and stop yelling. 1. Catch yourself at the moment when you start raising your voice. You can even say out loud: “Oh, I started raising my voice. I really don’t want to yell at you. I’ll try to speak calmly.” Children copy us - when we yell, they also raise their voices. We are calm - and the child is calmer. 2. Make sure the child hears you. Come closer. Sometimes we yell something to the child from the kitchen or another room. And he may simply not hear or, if he is very busy playing, simply not catch what you are saying. So get his attention: come up to him, take his hand. And clearly and distinctly say what you want from him. 3. Make a reminder. When we learn languages, we often stick stickers with different words around the rooms. The same with the habit of speaking calmly: stick a couple of bright stickers with the words "Calm voice". Such a reminder will eventually be deposited on a subconscious level. As funny as it may sound, such reminders, stuck in the toilet, work great. You can even draw two people on a sticker - a big one hanging over a small one. And it will become easier for you to pull yourself together.