Our expert is Yulia Scherbakova, a children's, family psychologist, a gestalt therapist of a children's development and creativity studio “I”.

RULE 1: Don't rush

"The more attention you pay to relationshipsat first, the fewer unpleasant surprises await you in the future." It is very important to understand what role a woman invites a man to play in the family: as a husband, partner or father for a child? It is advisable to tell your child that you have a new man when you are already confident in your relationship with him. And if you really decided that you want to be a couple, then act. But act consistently and slowly. It is better to start getting to know each other on neutral territory. This could be a trip out of town, a trip to the cinema, a cafe, a walk in the park. A relaxed atmosphere will relieve tension. Warn your child in advance that you will be with a person you really like, tell a little about him. No need to talk a lot, do not overload the child with unnecessary information. Offer to call him by name, this will make the task easier for both. Do not push the child towards a relationship, it is important that he himself regulates the distance and speed of approach. It is better to meet on neutral territory for some time, then invite the man to visit. And only then talk about living together.Stock: Stock / GettyImages

RULE 2: Do not shift responsibility

“Do you like Uncle Sasha or not?", "Would you like Uncle Sasha to live with us?" These are not questions that children should be asked. Such a choice is beyond a child's power. Adults should make decisions, including whether they are ready to live together. And a child feels much calmer and safer being with parents who take a responsible approach to their lives and are confident in what they are doing.

RULE 3: Do not substitute concepts

It is often difficult for a woman to raise a child alonechild. And with the appearance of a man in the family, she begins to involve him in raising him, unwittingly inviting him to play the role of a father. Unfortunately, this can only distance the child from the stepfather, in the worst case - cause hatred. In case of conflict, ask your chosen one how he sees this situation from the outside. Tell him how to support you without attacking with claims on the child. Believe me, this will help maintain good relations between two people dear to you. A stepfather is not a father. He is a mother's man, a partner, looking at whom the child will learn the relationship between a man and a woman, between an adult and a child, and rely on this experience in the future. It is no secret that good relationships can only be built on trust. Therefore, do not be afraid to tell children the truth. Even if the baby is still small, he has the right to know that he has a biological father. Children are able to accept the reality in which they live, with the right support of adults. And deception, the mother's unwillingness to talk can cause anxiety and mistrust. Leave the child the right to see his father. It is important that he has a good idea of ​​his biological father. Remember pleasant moments from the past: how you met your son's or daughter's father, why you fell in love with him. If the child asks why you broke up, you will have to tell the truth. But do not go into details. The younger the child, the shorter the answer should be: "Your father was young and not ready to have a family", "He moved to another city" or something like that. If the family order is not broken, the child knows the truth about his biological father, it will be easier for him to accept the stepfather. Do not force the child to love a stranger, just as the stepfather is not obliged to love your child. It will be enough if they manage to become friends!

RULE 4: Allow the child to show feelings

Photo:Getty ImagesThe appearance of a new person in the family is a kind of crisis. It will no longer be possible to live in the old way, and how to live in a new way is still unknown. You will have to redraw internal boundaries, take into account the fact that a new person has appeared in the family. For example: before, the baby could sleep with mom, but now he needs to sleep separately. Before, my toys were here, and now Uncle Sasha's books are here. Crisis moments in life are usually accompanied by great anxiety and the experience of various emotions: jealousy, fear, anger, sadness, despair. It is very important to allow the child to experience these feelings. If you give them an outlet, sooner or later you will notice how your baby calms down and accepts the new changes. Adults just need to be a little patient.

RULE 5: Consider the age of the child

Sometimes, to make friends with a child,a friendly attitude is enough. But children are different, and it is important to remember some age-related features. If a preschool or primary school-age child is growing up in the family, the best way to make friends with him is to play together. Offer your participation when the child is keen, or organize it yourself. These can be active, role-playing games, assembling a construction set. It is enough to remember your childhood and show a little imagination. Children of this age like to spend a lot of time with their parents: joint walks, going to the cinema, etc. Teenagers, on the contrary, are very sensitive to their boundaries, prefer to spend time alone, do not tolerate invasion of personal space. You can approach such a child through his hobbies: what does he read, what music does he listen to? Surely there will be some common interests that will help you get closer. But do not replace personal attention to him with gifts - sincere and genuine interest in the child, in his life, will inspire much more trust in you.Photo: Getty Images

RULE 6: Do not despair if something went wrong

If you tried to do everything right, butthere are still difficulties in the relationship and they bother you - do not despair. Relationships can always be fixed if they have value. Contact a child or family psychologist, and they will help you.

Comments

comments