Ah, love, love ... To you poems are dedicated, about youthey sing, they dream and admire you, they are waiting for you, they hate and are afraid of you. Yes, yes, they are afraid, because everything that is not explained, usually scares. Probably, therefore, for a long time now mankind has been trying to find the clue to the phenomenon of this feeling, which is able to create, destroy, drive mad and carry to heaven. And he struggles to find the answer, unsuccessfully trying to find a clear explanation for the emergence of passionate love between two people. He struggles stubbornly, sometimes exclaiming: "Eureka!" (Everyone remembers the venerable Count Cagliostro?), And then, disappointed with a sigh, is again not that. Why do people love each other? We probably can not find the answer to this question. The mystery of magic that occurs between the representatives of both sexes has existed from time immemorial and until now it has not been revealed by any mortal. And why? After all, a pragmatic world, devoid of any illusions, fussy, steeped in intrigues and lies, suddenly for a brief moment seems to take off the hateful mask and appears before the man in a completely different form. He fascinates with the charm of the flowering gardens, fascinates with the singing of the nightingale in the May night, amazing imagination with the beauty of the landscapes ... All this he discovers only to those who have once experienced love. So why search for an explanation for such magic? It is much more correct to simply believe in it and, like an enthusiastic child, to wait for the fate of this greatest gift, the opportunity to touch the ancient mystery and become, for a moment, a part of world harmony and universal happiness. Of course, fate gives this chance to all people. But each person in his own way is experiencing love. Someone it torments, someone transforms into hatred, someone brings joy, and someone inspires great achievements. Modern psychologists, studying this phenomenal feeling, tried to classify it (oh, these realists!) And identified the main types of love. Let's see what kind of definitions they gave to the magic that illuminates and fills our life with meaning.
Love-sickness is not deadly
According to the American psychologist Dorothy Tennov,author of the book "Love and Love", what we often take for such a deep and tender feeling, is nothing but the action of the blind mechanism of nature, the main purpose of the work is the reproduction of individuals and for some time the education of their common children. This is very reminiscent of the relationship between people of cave times, when relationships were tied exclusively for the continuation of the family, there was a short period after the child was born, that it was slightly strengthened and disintegrated as soon as all the other members of the clan could take care of the baby, easing the duties of the mother. My father found a new woman and got another offspring. This feature of the existence of our ancient ancestors, due to the need to continue the family at any cost, often manifests itself now. After all, young marriages have an unpleasant tendency to disintegrate three or four years after the registration and birth of the first child. Here you have the genetic memory of generations! According to Tennov, such fleeting feelings are called painful love, which has such symptoms as:
- obsessive thoughts about the object of passion;
- pathologically painful requirement of reciprocal feelings;
- a sense of euphoria, if the feeling is reciprocated.
In this case, the object of love becomesa person so significant that he completely eclipses consciousness and pushes back the fulfillment of important duties and the solution of pressing problems. He is perceived somewhat distorted: his positive qualities are exaggerated, and the negative ones are either not seen, or seen as virtues. A man in love experiences the constant attraction with the sexual desire to the object of his strongest affection. This is not a trivial aspiration to simply surrender to carnal pleasures, which takes place immediately after intimacy. Love-sickness implies an enduring sexual craving that can not be satisfied. There is no effective cure for this ailment. If the feelings are not mutual and bring only suffering to heal from them, Tennov advises completely to stop contact with the object of adoration or switch attention to another person. Both, of course, it is quite difficult to do, but it gives a guarantee of recovery without any special psychological complications. In general, love-sickness is not fatal and usually passes itself within two to four years, even if it is mutual. However, according to Tennov, only the feeling disappears, in which there is a moment of obsession. If it is not there, painful love, under the condition of reciprocity, can smoothly pass into a calm and deep affection, which is the basis of a long and happy marriage.
You probably heard more than once howloving their instantly arisen feelings. Often their emotions are clothed in such phrases: "It was like a current shock," "Between us it seemed like an electric discharge" or "I was struck by an invisible arrow" and so on. And it's not just words - as a rule, people really experienced something similar due to the reaction of the human body. The rational scientists who classified the kinds of love, of course, tried to explain the phenomenon of romantic attraction and reveal its riddle from the point of view of the physiology of man and woman. Researchers have long and painstakingly studied the biochemical processes accompanying these special senses. They conducted a lot of experiments and came to the conclusion that they owed their appearance to activating the work of some hormones. One of them is phenylethylamine. This substance is produced in the brain in very small, called trace, quantities. And it is he who is responsible for "insane" love. The action of phenylethylamine is similar to that of cocaine: it also excites a person who has a feeling of euphoria and strong sexual desire. Over time, the body of a lover gets used to phenylethylamine, the first acute feeling is dulled and no longer causes powerful sensations. The second hormone that contributes to the emergence of magic "chemistry" is oxytocin. It affects the sexual sphere of both men and women and, by activating their work, increases their sensitivity to touch. It is oxytocin, we must desire to hug and kiss your loved one. But such actions in relation to close people are very useful to those who want them - they calm and relieve stress. This is probably why oxytocin helps to maintain affection and prolong love when the effect of phenylethylamine is over. An interesting conclusion was made by scientists: the higher a person's self-esteem, the better the ratio of these two hormones. As a result, his choice of partner for marriage is most successful.
Love triangle and love palette
Psychologist Zig Rubin, for his part, studiedlove and diversity of its species, approached the interpretation of this romantic feeling from a completely different point of view than pragmatics, splitting it into three parts: attachment, care and intimacy. The combination of all these components and gives in the end the very emotion that any of us wants to experience.
- Attachment, according to Rubin, is a desirecare, praise and physical contact with another person. For example, if we are unwell, at some point we feel lonely or we have a need to cuddle up to a partner, "cry" to him, which means that we are attached to him. Often we do such actions unconsciously, so to speak, in an emotional impulse.
- Caring is nothing more than exaltationneeds of the partner over their own. It is she who forces the interests of another person to put on the forefront, evokes feelings for him and the desire to help and console him. True love is impossible without mutual concern for each other.
- Intimacy is the unification of common feelings, thoughtsand the needs of two people. And here there is always a strong relationship: the deeper intimacy, the greater the confidence and desire to share your inner world and emotions with a partner. Relations, devoid of such manifestations of physical and spiritual interpenetration, are doomed to failure.
However, Zek Rubin also turned out to be a man of science,unable to believe in love without any conditions, reservations and other "buts." Highlighting these three components, he, relying on them, developed a scale by which standards one can determine the strength of romantic feelings experienced by a person. It's boring, is not it? You just imagine what will happen if suddenly scientists invent such a smart machine that will begin to evaluate how deep love is? In the world there will be no more great mystery. It is better to be deceived sometimes, having set up your illusions! Psychologist John Alan Lee in his famous book compares love with the color circle - the palette. In this circle, the three primary colors mean the three main styles in which affection for the partner is manifested. Lee gave them beautiful Greek names - Storge, Ludos and Eros. Surely he borrowed these names from Aristotle, who also asked himself the eternal question, trying to classify the kinds of love. It seems that his works are popular with more modern scientists. So, the palette of John Alan Lee looks like this:
- Storge - love-friendship;
- Ludos is a love-game.
- Eros - the love of an ideal partner.
Just like in painting, the basic colors can becombine and receive new, additional shades. The three main styles give nine additional combinations. For example, the combination of Eros and Ludos gives rise to Mania - obsessive passion. The combination of Ludos and Storge as a result gives Pragma - a realistic and practical kind of affection. The mixture of Eros and Storgue form Agape - a compassionate and unselfish love.
Love-friendship as a component of an ideal feeling
Here is Elaine Hatfield, one of the foundersstudying the psychology of human feelings, having diligently and comprehensively considered this question in an attempt to characterize the main types of love, eventually divided it into two types: passionate and compassionate. These two emotions are the same in strength, but in the beginning the first always arises, and then, if this attachment is mutual and deep enough, the second turns, which is the best foundation for family relations. Passionate love, by definition Hatfield, is inextricably linked to the uncontrollable management of emotional outbursts. It directly depends on our upbringing and accidental circumstances. Some important for us personal features of the chosen one, the situation itself, the environment, signal us that this person is the true romantic feeling. In response to external signs, the brain, having received such an original command, launches the corresponding mechanism and begins to fall in love. It seems to a person that his feeling is for life, no matter at what age it came. Whether you are seventeen, thirty or sixty, "turning on" the mind is useless, because the voice of the heart sounds deafening and imperious. Absolutely different in quality compassionate love. As mentioned above, it results from passion, if it is based not only on carnal attraction, but also provides for some spiritual kinship between two people. It is always inherent in common values, so it is equivalent to friendship, when people like their joint pastime and mutual pleasant communication. Hatfield believes that the ideal feeling is the unification of passion and stable love-friendship. After all, you've probably heard the story about two people, having joined fates in their youth, happily lived together for about fifty years? Or another example: the death of one of the spouses plunges the second into solitude for the rest of his life, so dear to him is the memory of the prematurely departed elect. Unfortunately, this kind of love is quite a rarity. Why is it not available to everyone? Perhaps, it is given as the most worthy of us? Who knows ... According to scientists, the decline of passion and its transformation into true love usually occurs in couples who share common spiritual values and the same worldview. But does not it even happen that different people in terms of social status, development and prosperity suddenly irresistibly attract each other, like the two halves of a single whole? And then they already adapt, adjust, seek understanding, and if the feeling connecting them, deep enough and sincere, find happiness for many years. So can this great mystery be explained from the point of view of science? And is it worth giving her any definitions at all? But they do exist, they are interpretations of love from the position of scientists. Since the time of Aristotle, such definitions have undergone infinitesimal changes. And this is not at all surprising, for this very great feeling itself turned out to be beyond time, outside peoples, beyond social differences and so on. It is like our life - dark and bright, incinerating and resurgent, eternal and fleeting, like a moment or a bright flash. Do we agree with the opinion of scientists, psychologists and philosophers of antiquity? And whether it is necessary to do this? After all, each person has a story, exploring which, it is quite possible to say that there are six kinds of love, seven species and so on. Fortunately, feelings are not subject to general formulations, definitions and frameworks. They do not depend on our desires or beliefs. Therefore, each of us has our own love. And why do we need these scientific conclusions? Let us just love, enjoying the greatest gift, cherish it in our hearts, generously share it with the chosen one! It's so cool - to feel life with every nerve, every cell of your body and enjoy all its colors. And forgive the tautology, but long live love in any form! We advise you to read: