What motivates the spouses, who until recentlyproduced the impression of a perfectly harmonious couple, but suddenly they decided to get divorced? From such a fate, neither young marriages nor unions with decent experience are insured, nor even those of the partners who raise grandchildren. What causes such sad consequences? Why does the institution of marriage lose its former value these days? Let's try to understand and understand that, from the point of view of family psychology, convinces spouses in the need to dissolve legitimate unions and what they are, the main causes of divorce. It should be noted that some of them are common to many married couples, and some arise most often in only a certain period of life. According to experts, the most unstable in this regard are the so-called "young marriages", when the marriage lasts no more than five to nine years. During this period, children are usually born, the partners' attention is shifted to new aspects of life, financial problems and lack of own housing are acute. The reasons for the divorce are based on the fact that the spouses lose the former opportunity to devote all their time to each other, they have less rest, but are more nervous and work, often can not properly share family responsibilities. It is at the above-mentioned period of marriage unions that almost 65% of divorce cases occur. As for families with an experience of the order of ten to nineteen years, in them, strangely enough, they also have their own, different from other causes of divorce. If in previous years conflict situations severely destroyed the relationship, between spouses, despite a certain level of prosperity, hatred, enmity and intolerance of each other may well arise. For this period, up to 24% of all broken up marriages. Marriage unions in which partners have lived more than twenty years, also are not insured from the sad ending. At this time, the main causes of divorce psychologists call the loss of the old relationships and the violation of the developed attitudes, for example, growing children require less joint care, which entails the appearance of some freedom. But that's what to do with it, people who are accustomed to devote a lot of time to raising and solving issues related to it, simply do not know. Often there is a feeling of fatigue and satiety of each other, often mature spouses separately spend their leisure time, growing alienation. It was after twenty years that partners among the main causes of divorce called alcoholism, treason or suspicion in it. As statistics show, the initiative to disperse during this period belongs to women, and the share of broken marriages is about 11% of the total. It becomes clear that neither the age of the spouses, nor the number of years they lived in a legal union, or the presence of children and other relationships can not become a certain safety factor that can prevent even the longest and, oddly enough, quite successful marriage from dissolving. That is why it is so important to determine what is most often hidden behind the hackneyed formulation "did not meet the characters" and is the cause of divorce.
Jealousy and betrayal
Unfortunately, in recent years throughout the world,including Russia, the percentage of divorces continues to grow steadily, undermining the centuries-old moral foundations of society. Researchers have been fighting this problem for decades, trying to understand the main cause of divorce, interviewing thousands of couples who have broken family ties. In the course of research conducted among several thousand former spouses, scientists tried to find out the main causes of conflicts leading to the rupture of conjugal unions. As a result of the work done, they managed to identify the main "enemies" of family life, among which jealousy and betrayal are in the first place. According to researchers, the divorce rate for these reasons is simply staggering: every third of the divorced married couples disintegrate precisely because of them. By the way, these data concern only those who are connected by marriage, while people who have not registered their relationship officially, problems that arise on the basis of jealousy, much less. Thus, doubts about loyalty destroy not only emotional harmony between partners, but also negatively affect their intimate life. As is known, men and women have different perceptions of infidelity: if the stronger sex is more affected by physical infidelity, then women, on the contrary, because of its emotional side. Treason is a kind of antipode to the feeling of love, which is one of the most important motivations for people to marry. Without it, it's impossible to imagine a happy married couple. Treason also becomes a reflection of contradictions and conflicts that violate any harmonious union. This cause of divorce is most often encountered by problem families, but it is not so rare among well-off marriages. Treason does not have persistent age restrictions, therefore the matrimonial service for it is not an obstacle. Young men and women who admit such things in their relationships most often simply do not think about family values - they have immaturity and frivolity, so they can not be stopped by possible consequences. More mature spouses break loyalty in an attempt to find an outlet in a series of household problems. This does not mean that they do not cherish their marriage - often so manifested banal internal emptiness and fatigue. A certain number of men aged slightly over fifty change their wives, trying to cope with the crisis of the age. And this is not all the reasons that push partners for treason. Every specific fact of violation of marital fidelity is based on certain motives. For someone, these are the disadvantages of upbringing, rooted in childhood (debauchery and shifting of moral values), some people are similarly asserting themselves, others are pushed for betrayal by social immaturity or an unstable life position. No matter how things are in each particular case, it is precisely jealousy and adultery, as the causes of divorce, that take first place among the majority of couples interviewed.
Lack of attention and interest in the partner
Often many young families break up, howeverstrange it sounds, with the advent of their children. Of course, such a reason for divorce can be attributed to the unwillingness of becoming parents or the absence of a true couple's affection. But it happens that the young spouses, who initially with joy and a great deal of responsibility took the news about the forthcoming appearance of the offspring, later still dissolve the marriage. Why is this happening? It is because of the loss of attention to her husband. After all, a young mother concentrates all the forces on caring for the baby. Sleepless nights, days filled with cares and worries - all this does not contribute to the former harmonious relations. And although this situation is temporary, because children are growing up, but it is sometimes very difficult for a man to reconcile himself to the fact that the center of the small world of the family is not him now. In order to somehow resolve the resulting dissonance, one must persistently involve the spouse in the process of caring for the son or daughter. It is these actions that can consolidate the marriage, and not cause a divorce. As for mature families, then everything is not going smoothly. For everyday troubles, the bases of mutual interest are often lost, attention is dispersed on a mass of other moments. It is possible that initially the spouses did not share common interests - they used to rest separately, and only problems related to the upbringing of children served as a converging factor. It is difficult to say when exactly the process of cooling and loss of mutual interest occurred. However, not all families with honor come out of such a crisis: many spouses, it is the lack of attention to themselves that are often called the cause of divorce, and alone experience the consequences of divorce during later life.
Lack of romance
As mentioned above, sincere loveis the basis of a happy family life. But with the passage of time, the main source of its existence, romanticism, leaves the established relationship. If, for everyday problems, spouses forget about wonderful moments, the importance of personal intimate holidays, visits and joint walks, they lose the basis of what in due time made them live together. Of course, if a man ceases to give flowers to a woman at some stage of the family relationship, this is not the reason for the divorce. But often he forgets to even congratulate his wife on the anniversary of his marriage. In this case, the woman begins to doubt that her husband's feelings are still alive and she is still interesting to him. Therefore, do not neglect the opportunity from time to time only to admire the beauty of nature, read poetry to each other and give small, but very pleasant signs of attention with a romantic overtones. This is how it is possible, if desired, and some efforts on the part of both partners, to strengthen the marriage so as not to regret its dissolution, after experiencing the sad consequences of such a rash step.
Loss of trust
It's hard to argue with the statement that liesis capable of destroying any, even the most robust relationship. Frankness is the basis of a happy marriage. Any doubts that eventually develop into a total mistrust arising at any stage of a married life lead to a divorce. Even if they are associated with ordinary domestic issues: for example, the husband hides from his wife the true size of earnings, the wife in turn is silent about going with friends in a cafe or in a nightclub. In any case, in time, all these insignificant facts of concealing the truth turn into the habit of lying, and the lie grows like a snowball. When, in the end, one of the spouses has an epiphany showing how things really are, serious problems begin in marriage, the consequences of which lead the family to collapse. That is why many people who divorce distrust distrust the frequent cause of divorce.
Do not treat this problem as somethingfrivolous and easily remediable. Especially when it comes to long family relationships, where passion has gradually moved to the second, and even to the third plan. Rare and irregular lovemaking and related difficulties are often mentioned as a very common cause of divorce. In the intimate sphere of spouses in some cases, there are times when certain circumstances, such as the birth of a child, lead to changes in sexual needs. For example, a husband is ready to make love every day, and his wife is enough just a couple of times a week. What can become a further development of events, guess is not so difficult: it is likely cheating, mutual irritation associated with dissatisfaction, suspicion of infidelity of the wife, especially if it was she who initiated sex. It also happens that the notorious habit and lack of diversity muffles the libido of one of the partners, and the other starts to suspect him of the "left" campaigns. The consequences of sexual problems in relations between spouses are quite capable of leading to a divorce.
The gulf associated with a lack of understanding betweenhusband and wife, is often so deep that it is impossible to overcome it. Especially if you do this without the help of a family psychologist. Therefore, the reason for the divorce, connected with misunderstanding in the family, can not be taken lightly. Why does such a feeling arise between partners? The causes of misunderstanding should first of all be sought in the very origins of relations. After all, often people who intend to marry, initially very different from each other by education, the level of culture, the intellect. In this regard, they have different views on life, they seek other goals and pursue their own, separate interests. Such marriages are doomed to failure in the event that none of the spouses tries to understand the other and agree with him, to give in to something, refuses to seek compromises. The consequences of such stubbornness are often expressed in the desire to find like-minded people in another partner.
Loss of mutual respect
A similar problem arising in familyrelations, also deserves to be called an important reason for divorce. In the first years of marriage, the young husband and wife do not particularly think about it. And in vain, because people have different temperaments. And not everyone is able to keep himself within the framework when there is a stormy clarification of relations, which sometimes can not be avoided. In such cases, a stream of insults is sent to one or both spouses, often even obscene expressions. Such behavior, despite attempts at reconciliation, mutual forgiveness and oath of assurance not to repeat such errors in the future, leads to a crack in the relationship. Over time, it becomes more and more, and as a result, partners simply lose respect for each other. It is sad that children witness such conflicts, who, in the example of their parents, will later start building their own families. Respect also disappears between those partners who admit their moral degradation as a person, for some reason neglect the elementary care for their own appearance, drop and lose their normal human appearance. What exactly is the impetus for such behavior? You can say only by considering a single married couple. However, people's loss of respect often proves to be a significant cause of divorce.
Household problems - this is the age-old and stuffedoskominu theme. As a rule, both spouses are to blame for this. A husband does not like his wife's laziness in cooking, cleaning, washing and so on. Accusations of the wife are often related to the fact that her spouse spends all her free time on the couch, buried in the TV, and does not do elementary things around the house: the tap is leaking, the garbage is falling out of the bucket, and a lot of rubbish has formed on the balcony. What happens in the end? The family lives in constant dissatisfaction with each other, scandals and conflicts become an integral part of life, the apartment is in chaos. And the consequences of this attitude towards simple duties become a serious cause of divorce. That is why ordinary disorder in everyday life needs to be stopped at the root. And it concerns both of the spouses.
Different views on the upbringing of children
Yes, it happens, and quite often. For example, a mother who is constantly with children, feeds them, leads them on walks, puts them to bed, that is, they carry out all activities related to care and upbringing, establish their own rules. They can be more or less rigid, they contain penalties for certain misconduct and so on. Dad, who sees with children only a few hours after work and on weekends, is often inclined to show softness and some connivance. As a result, the mother in the child's mind takes on the features of a "bad cop," and the father is somewhat idealized. But by that, he drops the authority of his wife, and children react very sensitively to such fluctuations. As a result, they become less controllable, my mother often has to resort to punishments, and my father is surprised by the nervousness of both the wife and heirs. In the family, tension increases, parents begin to quarrel, children experience subconscious guilt for what is happening, but behave worse. The consequences are easy to predict - divorce, alimony and mutual accusations. So it is better to agree in advance on what methods you will be guided in the education of the heirs, so as not to collide as a result with the above-described cause of divorce.
Problems of Finance
The concept of paradise in a hut is familiar to many of those whoonly begins an independent family life. The financial factor during this period does not play a determining role. It seems to young spouses that they are still ahead, they are building bright plans and believe in prospects. It is very good, if life develops successfully, if soon there is a separate housing, car and bank account. However, today's realities are such that it becomes very difficult to achieve certain financial independence. If the problem of lack of money accompanies the marriage constantly, sooner or later the wife makes her husband complain that he is not able to adequately support his family. A man begins to feel guilty, his self-esteem suffers. Nothing good can be expected in this case. What to do? It is difficult to answer this question, since there is no universal prescription for increasing incomes. One thing is clear - financial instability is a serious cause of divorce. Not all wives know how to wait patiently, and most men are put by the state in a situation where legitimate ways to meet the needs of the family are not enough. You can give only one advice. Women should not fall in love with the potential opportunities of men, and the latter should really assess their prospects as a "mammoth getter".
Physical form and appearance
How often do we marry handsome men withmuscular shoulders, and one day we suddenly realize that we live with flabby types who shave every three days, throw dirty socks around the apartment and do not think about rest without a bottle of their favorite beer? Common situation. But the same thing can be said by men who take on beautiful models of their beauty, and after a decade or so they find a fat person with an absurd hairstyle next to him. And such a reason for divorce, some former spouses often share with psychologists. But no matter how funny it may seem to those who are just starting a family life, it is not worth neglecting the knowledge of it. Just take it into service and try to avoid slovenliness in your home clothes, do not be lazy once again to wash your head and do a decent haircut, manicure and pedicure, even while on leave for child care. It is not superfluous also to maintain the same physical form. In fact the sexual image exciting your husband, hardly becomes more attractive, if you strongly recover.
Eternal problem of mother-in-law and mother-in-law
Parents of both spouses often do notwishing, become a stumbling block to their family troubles. But it also happens that the mother-in-law deliberately provokes the daughter-in-law to scandal in the desire to save the son from the unworthy, in her own opinion, wife. The same applies to mother-in-law. True, such situations, fortunately, are a rarity. In most cases, there is a hidden dislike. But the interference of parents in the lives of young people, even if it is done for a good purpose, affects relations negatively. There are quarrels in the family, conflict situations arise from scratch, and simply because one of the spouses is not ready to follow the orders of his mother-in-law or mother-in-law. The situation becomes uncontrollable, if complaints of offensive nature are made against parents. Even if the mother-in-law or mother-in-law are not witnesses or participants in family quarrels and proceedings, then in any case, this imposes a negative on the spouses. A wife often can not forgive her husband's spoken words against her mother's curse words. The same applies to the spouse, because filial love is not weaker than the daughter. That she did not become the cause of divorce, and you did not have to experience their consequences on yourself, you should not lose self-control and avoid mentioning your parents in any quarrels. The problems described above represent a far from complete list of what exactly is responsible for the collapse of conjugal unions. Often it is impossible to single out one thing, because many moments have a close relationship. And the formulation of "irreconcilable contradictions" hides a whole galaxy of problems from which it is impossible to single out what exactly was the main reason for the divorce. According to regularly conducted surveys, an important place among the factors provoking the dissolution of marriages is occupied by the so-called "critical five". These are the items that cause the most violent conflicts:
- eating habits;
- candid erotic films;
- criteria of order and purity;
- tastes in music, cinema, literature, and the like;
- attitude to pets.
Such reasons for divorce make people whodid not encounter such problems, feel cheerful bewilderment; however, according to psychologists, if the spouses have opposite views at least for two of the five above listed positions, then, most likely, their marriage is doomed. This couple has virtually no chance to keep a good family for a long time. We advise you to read: