For many of us, creating a family is one ofmain life goals. We choose a partner in life, get married, hoping for a long and happy life together ... But she, alas, does not work. Someone, fearing loneliness, does not dare to change something, reconciles with circumstances and drags a dull existence for many years. And someone is applying for a divorce, believing that a second marriage can be more successful. As far as it is possible and what are the psychological problems of remarriage, we will now talk.
Features of remarriage
It seemed that an unsuccessful attempt to create a familyat least for a while, to repulse the desire to remarry. Strangely enough, but it is not so. Statistics argue that more than half of the divorced people almost immediately after the collapse of one family express a desire to create another. Why this happens is hard to say. Perhaps subconsciously we are trying to restore the lost balance of communication, even though it was negative. Or maybe we want to prove to the former half that we have not yet reached circulation and are in demand from the opposite sex. Or we try to escape from loneliness and pain ... Anyway, but the willingness to remarry remains after the divorce in almost everyone. And almost everyone creates it, only some people do not intend to hesitate, while others wait for time, look closely, weigh ... In general, repeat marriages are mostly more stable than the first ones. Why? Partly because the previous unfortunate experience teaches tolerance and a more relaxed perception of the partner's misses. Partly because I really do not want to feel again the sense of uselessness and confusion that has appeared after the collapse of the first marriage. It's frightening that you have to relive the divorce procedure anew. And, finally, people simply do not have any desire to get a label: "Changing their husbands (wives) like gloves." After all, in our society, a second marriage is still perceived more or less favorably. But the third or fourth is already considered debauchery. In general, men in this regard are less cautious and prudent than women. They may well bring a new wife into the house in a month or two, not particularly thinking how much better than the previous one. But representatives of the weaker sex to conclude a second marriage are more meticulous and meticulous. They really do not want to repeatedly step on the same rake. In this case, many men and women have the same feature. They often choose their new halves, at least in something similar to their ex-wife or ex-husband. This choice occurs, as a rule, involuntarily. I must say, in part he is intelligent. The analogy of the qualities of former and current partners helps to avoid repeating previous mistakes. And it's easier to get used to a newly educated family. In general, the psychology of remarriage is such that a person involuntarily compares the one who is near now, with the one who was in this place before. And the similarity of the two people, and their differences, often help determine the type of relationship in the new union and understand how to behave in order to avoid unnecessary scandals. However, there are a lot of disadvantages here, because of which the second attempt to create a family can end badly. As we have already said, many of us unconsciously choose almost always the same type of partners. However, people with similar types of personality are prone to the same actions. For example, if the first husband was weak and dependent or, on the contrary, uncompromising and selfish, then the second one may well be almost the same. As a result, remarriage will be almost analogous to the previous one. And the final of it can be the same. Remarriage is also capable of falling apart because of the fact that he was hasty, at the peak of his former spouse. Look, they say, as I am in demand, but you did not appreciate! And in general, on you the light did not come together with a wedge! The decision to create a new family in this case is based on emotions and is often reckless. It happens that a new family union is created by people who, after a divorce, spent a long time alone. They are tired of the consciousness of their uselessness and are ready to enter into an alliance with anyone who will agree to it. Than it can end, it is understandable without superfluous words. So how do you need to create a second marriage so that it turns out to be reliable, and what dangers threaten the family formed after the divorce? What psychological problems should be expected in it?
The influence of the past on new marriages
We have already said that the good partThe divorced couple is trying to re-enter into an alliance with someone almost immediately after the divorce. In the event that the previous marriage has long been a formality, and today's partners already know each other well, this is normal. If not, you should not hurry. The deadlines for preparing for a second marriage are different, but there is a general rule for this situation. To take such a decisive step is necessary when the opinion of the former half about the new family will cease to have any significance. In general, the fact that a person has already been married, practically does not affect the formation of subsequent marital bonds. Psychological problems of remarriage can arise for other reasons. Often, its welfare is hampered by the intervention of the former half, who by all means try to poison the existence of once close to them people. Especially it concerns those who were rejected. And attempts to sow discord in a new family often look quite innocent. For example, the former wife, who does not have a personal life, will constantly call, telling about the children. Or he will start regularly to ask for help in resolving a particular issue. Or even begin to impose themselves on a visit in the guise of the fact that "she is not a stranger." In a word, it will try to maintain a kind of friendly contact. Such contacts are difficult to sustain, under whatever sauce they are served. But, if we want to preserve the union, we'll have to take it into our hands and pretend that it should be so. Otherwise, because of regular scandals and tense situation in the house, a second marriage will be threatened. Fatal for him can become a habit of remembering about former partners, when necessary and not necessary. And it does not matter how it is done - with hatred, with regret ... Anyway, these memories hurt the second half and destroy its inner comfort. Let's imagine that a spouse who has already been married will constantly abuse his previous wife, pouring dirt on her tubs. It seems that this should even make him happy today's companion of life - once he's a cook, then he does not like it. Probably, in the first place in most cases it is. However, when this lasts for a long time, then, one way or another, begins to lead to reflection. A smart woman will think about why her husband can not forget the past. And then about the fact that such an avalanche of mud is probably already prepared for it too. And who knows what conclusions she will draw from her conclusions? Even worse is the case when the husband remembers the former wife with a note of warmth or regret. And it's really bad when he compares aloud aloud two women not in favor of the current companion of life. Then the marriage union in general turns into a continuous nightmare, and its reliability and duration is under big question. In short, the more memories of past alliances in the family, the more likely the chances of its collapse. However, if people talk about the first marriage with unconstrained indifference, worry about the reliability of the union is not particularly worth it. After all, they remember their classmates, acquaintances, colleagues, classmates ... It is necessary to be alarmed only when positive or negative emotions are mixed with stories about the former. This means that remarriage did not destroy the strong emotional attachment of the partner to the one who lived with him in the first marriage. In principle, a strong emotional dependence of a loved one on his past relationship is unpleasant, but not critical. Everything once passes. The main thing here is not to put before him ultimatums and demand that he forget everything. First, it is impossible. Memory of the intellect does not obey. And secondly, if you say to someone: "Do not think about the white monkey," then the monkey will permanently settle in his head. In order to get rid of the memories that disturb the psyche, we must separate them from emotions. Only time can help. Psychologists believe that even the fact that our half in a second marriage are admired by their former ones is not so bad. Usually this happens when there is no return to the past. Of course, the obvious expressed admiration is unpleasant, but it's not worth it to get nervous about it. We only need to calmly explain to our half that memories in this form create internal discomfort. It is likely that the former wife is a very good woman. But at the moment there is another representative of the weaker sex. And she also has a lot of advantages. It is better to pay more attention to these dignities, and not cherish what has passed. Calms in a similar situation and the fact that memories are voiced. After all, a loud barking dog is not so terrible as the one that bites stealthily. It is possible that a person does this intentionally and without malice, wanting to tease his mate. Or thus expresses his confidence in this half. Much worse, when someone's head is constantly spinning pictures of a past life, but this is not said aloud. Unexplained experiences turn into a monster, nibbling the nervous system. What he will eventually do is difficult to foresee. It often happens that the previous life partners are idealized. Especially this applies to those who have experienced the death of their halves. The most bleak place here is that the ideal created by the imagination is trying to try on a new partner, trying to re-educate and remake it. The partner, naturally, resists. There is a serious conflict that separates people from each other. Divorce, if the alteration does not stop, is almost inevitable. I must say that with all the problems described above, you can if you want to cope. Of course, if a second marriage is valued and perceived not as a way to survive the losses after the first union. There are much more serious difficulties that await the majority of newly created families.
Features of the choice of partners for a re-union
We have already said that previous familyrelationships often have an impact on the choice of partners for the next union. And, as a rule, this affects the second marriage negatively. Usually, after a divorce, we ask ourselves why it happened, and blame ourselves, or our half, or friends and parents. And it happens that we just explain what happened to a sexual or psychological incompatibility. However, in most cases, the cause of the disorder is psychological stress in the family. It arises in the absence of mutual understanding between spouses and unwillingness to think over something and discuss soberly, without scandals. Before remarrying, we must try to understand why the previous union was unsuccessful. Otherwise, the imperfect model of the former family will migrate to a new family. You can not build a house on a project whose groundlessness has already been proven. Not understanding this, we often unconsciously choose a new partner, similar in nature to the one with whom they divorced. In general, this is a psychological feature of any person - instinctively reaching out to people of a particular character storehouse. For example, a weak, self-confident woman is reflexively attracted to strong and powerful men. A strong man is good. But the reverse side of his personality may well be dictatorial manners, coupled with the habit of teaching his wife mind-reason with the help of kulaks. The spouse who suffered from the "defender" after the divorce would seem to be looking for a softer partner in life. But no, she will again strive for those who seem like a stone wall. Because he feels a great need for armor. The same applies to women who are strong-willed, accustomed to independence. After parting with the first husband, the henpecked, they, without knowing this, begin to look for the same shyness. And they create a second marriage with a slut that is incapable of acting without instructions. In a word, everything goes according to the old scheme. In order to change it, a person needs to understand himself. And try to understand why we are drawn to personalities of a certain type and then we can not get along with them. In all likelihood, the reason is in our internal state. And you have to work on it. There are also opposite situations, when a person after a divorce is looking for a partner, radically different from the previous one. There is also a considerable chance to create an unsuccessful alliance. The psychological problems of remarriage in this case will be as follows. Initially, the new half will attract, as attracted by the unknown distances and mysterious places. But over time, it will manifest irritating qualities. And they will not be nervous, not because they are negative. Even positive traits of a person's character can be repelled, if by a psychotype it does not fit. Let's take a woman who needs a strong leading hand. Suffering in the first marriage from this "strong hand", she chooses for the second union of an intelligent, educated, delicate man. Yes, at the first time, the poor thing in the past, poor, will enjoy the family idyll. But she needs patronage! And the new husband is soft and yielding. Sooner or later a woman will feel unprotected. Her interest in her husband will disappear, there will be inner dissatisfaction with herself and others. In the end, all this will start to get on your nerves and lead to conflict. Is it possible to minimize the chances of such situations occurring? Of course. It is only necessary to think carefully before remarriage. And to understand why the former family broke up. What traits of the previous spouse contributed to the collapse of relations? Why did we stop to find a common language with him? Perhaps, the reason for this is our complexes and psychological problems? In general, in order for a new family to be strong enough, we must revise our attitudes and previous requirements for marriage. It is impossible to build a reliable building on the rotten foundation of the old house. There is a risk that one day it will collapse, burying everyone under the wreckage. And this can happen unexpectedly. So let's, for our own happiness, be wiser and prudent! We advise you to read: