Love ... Perhaps this word in any languageis used almost more often than others. Sometimes it is used to refer to a whole series of completely different emotions. We all agree that love is what makes the whole world shine with the brightest colors and that life without it would seem empty and useless. On the other hand, this is the very word that we use too easily to justify our emotional dependence on another person. If we can learn to distinguish love from emotional dependence and be guided by this difference in practice, then we will make happy not only our lives, but also the lives of those people with whom we come into contact. What is love addiction and how dangerous can it be? Is it possible to survive without such losses and how can I get rid of it? How can you determine what kind of relationship you have built, and whether there is a similarity between love and love addiction? Questions can be asked endlessly; let's better look for answers to them.
When the relationship is confused
You really can get confused in yourdesires to express and receive love and even get stuck on them. You can lose a sense of freedom and happiness. You can suffer, very much suffer. To prevent this from happening, we will offer you several ways to correct the situation and teach you to recognize and unravel the complex relationship. Can you answer now, what is the character of love addiction? Dependent people usually try to avoid any responsibility, endlessly complaining, blaming others, lying. Dependents usually avoid developing the necessary qualities and skills in themselves that help maintain long-term happiness. They can manipulate another person to make him do for them something that they will never do for themselves. You are also emotionally dependent, if you think that for your safety or mental comfort you need the presence of a certain person. Are all your thoughts busy only with them? Does the sense of loss capture you if you can not see it? Do you think that it should be for him an exclusive source of love and the only companion? Are you jealous of him? Are you unable to make decisions or take any action without this person? So you are emotionally dependent on him. And if this person is your man, then in your relationship there is a love addiction.
How to distinguish love from emotional dependence
Praise and support are really important to you andyour partner, because they inspire and raise your self-esteem. But if one of you has become too demanding for manifestations of love or constantly needs to be reassured, then this is already a dependent relationship. They are based not so much on mutual love and respect as on the need for constant monitoring and emotional feeding. Such relationships are bound hand and foot and eventually become destructive. Are there any signs that you can determine that the relationship is reborn as dependent? There are, we'll talk about them now. Check if there is such a thing in your relationship? Do not miss the "first bell", because you are worthy of true love! The presence of a pair of manipulators In your pair, there was a manipulator? He is very subtle in controlling people. The manipulator always wants to be in the center of attention and uses for this a number of emotional tricks. They can be domineering, dominant, always dissatisfied with the critics. Manipulators use words and body language to drive someone into a corner. Snoring, yelling, sarcasm or just a quiet, but effective, annihilating view of disapproval is all a manipulator weapon. The person being manipulated tries to reassure the partner; he backs down in a dispute and even apologizes to others for the behavior of the manipulator, trying to justify it. "Oh, he (she) had quite another in mind, he did not want to offend you, he's just very annoyed today. Probably a difficult day or trouble at work ... "However, there are more subtle forms of manipulation. For example, a passive-aggressive manipulator will silently sulk, or get drunk, or resort to another kind of emotional blackmail to make you feel bad. "Come on, do not pay attention to me, I know that you're too busy to deal with my problems." Nothing, I'll manage myself. I'm already used to being alone, I can not go on like this. " This behavior will cause the other person to give up everything to comfort the manipulator and surround the cares of this king (or queen) of the drama. Suppression of emotions Do you increasingly have to suppress your emotions? In general, conflicts between loving people are normal and quite predictable. But in a healthy relationship, you can freely say what you think and feel, because you know that you are certainly respected and loved. You are also confident that your relationship is greater and stronger than all the possible problems that you can ever face. You can reach a compromise with your partner, and you can disagree with him in some ways, feeling that you did not become less fond of it. And in relationships characterized by addiction - love and emotional - emotions are used as weapons, and conflicts are perceived as threats. If they disagree with you, then you see this as a betrayal, which will cause you anger and disappointment. The one who is manipulated will run away from conflicts, because he will be too scared by the reaction of the manipulator to object. So all your life you can spend on transfusion from empty to empty, sorting out all sorts of grievances and disappointments. The status of the victim is literally imprinted in the mindset of the manipulator: "He never listens to me. My opinion does not matter. He does not care what I feel! "- So says the manipulator, nothing, however, not doing to somehow change the situation. Exaggerated sense of responsibility Usually no one agrees to doom themselves to suffering, communicating with the manipulator. Why are there such partners who take on this role? What prevents them from pointing out the manipulator is not his unworthy behavior? Do not you allow someone else to treat yourself so badly? Nobody will become a victim if he does not allow it, does he? As a rule, this happens to you because of a hypertrophied sense of duty and responsibility. "He needs me! I am the only person who is able to understand him! "Sometimes the upper hand takes a strong desire to" save "someone. You think: "If I stay with him long enough, I can convince him or change it." Or: "My love will help him become better!" I must say that such thinking is typical for those women who suffer from partners not only emotional pressure, but even physical beatings. From them you can hear: "No, actually he's a good guy. He just has a lot of problems, and he became very nervous. He said he was very sorry for what he did, and I know that it's true. " Such a woman will never contradict her husband, so as not to anger him. And if he again falls into a rage, then blame for it, she will be herself. Increased need for approval Often, women begin to experience a feeling of spiritual comfort only when they try to surround the partner with a dense cloud of care and care, trying to please her husband in any small things. For example, a woman returns home after a working day, and grabs the preparation of her beloved husband's dinner, incidentally wiping his socks, ironing his shirt and unfolding his clean handkerchiefs in his pockets. And the husband at this time sits on the couch and enjoys the rest. Why does a woman do all this, instead of asking the spouse to help her? Yes, because she likes to feel necessary. She gets a ghostly sense of power and her own indispensability. And does not even understand that a man not only does not appreciate her efforts, taking them for granted, but also ceases to see in her a woman - she is only a home club for him. A woman is constantly eager to hear the words of recognition for her troubles, and is extremely upset, without receiving a reward in the form of recognition of her merits. When this continues from year to year - which is not surprising, when a woman develops a love affair with her husband - the dynamics of such events are only exacerbated. The husband completely ceases to respect the spouse, trying to please him in every trifle, and the wife more and more plunges into a role offended by the inattention of her deity of the victim of love. Fear of loneliness When you are immersed in a dependent relationship, you stay with a person not because you love him, but because you are simply afraid to leave. Either way, but on a subconscious level, you prefer to be better off in a bad relationship than not having any relationship at all. You start looking for yourself and for the man all sorts of excuses, thereby running away from the need to make decisions and act to become independent.
15 signs that you are addicted to love
The term "codependence" was previously applied to those,who was in a romantic (or other) relationship with a person who was addicted to alcohol or drugs. In recent years, the definition of "codependence" has expanded, and now includes the definition of a person who is in unhealthy relationships that do not bring mutual satisfaction to loving relationships. Sometimes this is a rather difficult condition, and I must say that this is a mental illness. People who are prone to dependent relationships (as a rule, those who have received any psychological trauma in their childhood), often because of low self-esteem they are looking for exactly such relationships - one-sided, emotionally destroying. It sounds pretty tough, does not it? Fortunately, it is enough to have at least a little knowledge about this kind of relationship and their consequences in order to notice and correct these unhealthy behaviors. What are the signs of love addiction? Here they are:
And now try to soberly assess what you cangive such a dependent relationship. Do they make you feel better? Do they allow you to unlock all of your potential? Do they increase your self-confidence? Do they somehow help your partner? No no and one more time no! On the contrary, when you reconcile with the negative behavior of another person and allow him to insult you and enslave you emotionally, in fact you are saying to him: "It's okay, dear, it could offend anyone else, but not me. I can tolerate further "This only undermines your self-esteem and respect for other people.
Love and dependence on love are completely different energies
Love can come from two differentinternal states. When you fall in love, you exchange your feelings with someone who also loves you. You, as it were, give each other responsibility for the self-esteem and emotional well-being of both; you are ready not only to take, but also to give. If the relationship is built in this way, then you can confidently say that you love. But if you are not so important to the person himself, how important it is to you, how much he loves you, if you feel that you can not live without his manifestations of love, if you feel comfortable only when he is near you - you can definitely talk about The fact that you are sucked into your quaggy love affair. If you are emotionally dependent on love, then that part of your personality that is immersed in "love", in fact, is like a small child who needs love and protection. Therefore, you do not give love, but you long to receive it. Inside you there is a certain emptiness, because you do not take responsibility for your own sense of dignity, and you expect that someone else will fill this void. Another person fuels your positive self-expression by expressing your love for you, so you can not live without it for a day. Thus, you imperceptibly substitute values for yourself: the desire to give reciprocal love and care is replaced by the desire to be constantly with this person. It seems to you that you can not live without it any more. When you fall in love, being emotionally absolutely mature, your needs for such relationships are completely different. You understand how to fill yourself with love, and you no longer need to assess your qualities from the outside to determine your own personal value. You do not need someone to "fill" you and make you feel attractive and worthy of positive feelings; you already perceive yourself worthy and full of love. You experience this inner fullness, because you have learned to be responsible for your feelings and needs. You are so full that you are ready to share your love with another person who, in turn, shares it with you. For real feelings, it is precisely the desire to share love, instead of receiving it. Usually, each person attracts people who are similar in spiritual maturity and in terms of emotional health. Obviously, the more you did your inner work on yourself in the past, the more emotionally mature a person is and the more you are attracted to self-sufficient people, the more likely you are to meet and fall in love with a mature person, like you. Falling in love, you complement each other. Failures in relationships occur when one person, "filling" his partner, expects that he will do the same thing in relation to him, but this does not happen. And then comes disappointment. Each of them will blame the other for not loving the way they want to be loved. Relations break up, and often this is because one or both partners do not want to take responsibility for their own feelings and self-esteem and accuse each other of ruining their love.
How to become an emotionally mature person
If you feel that you are missingemotional maturity, in order to truly love, then you should work on educating yourself in the necessary qualities. As a guide, we will list some of the character traits inherent in mature people:
- They do not need recognition from outside to feel completely confident;
- They are not afraid of failure. They know the limits of their abilities and understand that they can not always be the best and irreplaceable;
- They are not afraid to remain alone, do not feel anxious, and they are never bored;
- They are not jealous because they do not suffer from low self-esteem;
- They do not feel offended when someone ignores their opinion;
- They feel comfortable with other people;
- They are not angry when someone criticizes them, and they use criticism for self-improvement;
- They do not blame others when they feel sad or disappointed; they understand that this is the result of unresolved issues and problems that lurk in their subconscious.
If you are so attached to someone that you feel,that you can not live without this person, then try to understand what exactly you want from your partner. Your task is to become yourself what you want to become, and not wait for someone to do it for you. Only then you will be with your partner not because you need it, but because you love it. You can love a man for what he is, and not for what he can give you. Instead of receiving love, you can give it from a pure heart, and the joy of it will help fill all the "voids" inside you. Interdependent relationships are not love. Do you know what love is? To say to myself: "I deserve better!" And when you both begin to grow internally, you really will make a step towards true happiness. We advise you to read: