Any psychologist will tell you what to fight withjealousy is useless, especially in the forehead. Spend all your internal forces, but the result still will not reach, just spoil the relationship with a partner. In addition, jealousy is very inventive and will always find new reasons for this feeling. There is only one remedy that can eradicate it in your family. It lies in the sincere desire of the distrustful side to change its positions and behavior. Every jealousy always has its reasons, and it does not matter whether they are real or fictitious. It can be some kind of fear, own insecurity or spiritual loneliness. And also - a subconscious desire to dominate the object of love. Therefore, only the jealous, alone or with outside help, can develop a new system of responding to events that are irritants for him.
Jealousy and its causes
So, what is jealousy? This is a mistrust of a loved one, a painful doubt as to whether he is faithful or tormented by the fact of his betrayal. Jealousy, unlike envy, is directed not at material and inanimate objects, but at close people. It is a kind of triangle in which three sides are closely related:
- jealous or jealous;
- object of jealousy;
- the one to whom they are jealous.
What are the reasons for thiscontradictory feelings? First of all, it is experienced by those of us who, in some situation, suddenly encounter encroachment on their property. Therefore, jealousy up to a certain point carries positive aspects, because it allows people to keep what they own or think they own. This feeling, as a rule, is born and exists in the already established family. But you must agree that every man at least once in his life experienced it, because it happens in childhood (rivalry for the attention of parents between brothers and sisters), and in relations before marriage. Jealousy is also present in friendship, arises in relation to colleagues at work and in other areas of our lives. One is unchangeable for all its subspecies: a jealous person unconsciously wants to fully possess the object of his love. And often with it, anger and hatred appear in his soul. But the most dangerous this feeling becomes, if it is still about relationships in the current married couple. It is not just pride that is hurt here, but the loss of one's own dignity to someone who feels deceived or suggests that this can happen. Worst of all, in this case we are disappointed not only in the partner, but in the very feeling of love, because it turns out to be unnecessary, betrayed and trampled. If, of course, we are talking about the fait accompli of treason, and not about the baseless suspicions of a hysterical person. The feelings that we experience when we are face to face with unfounded jealousy represent a whole palette of dark shades: sadness, emotional shock and pain, resentment, anger, shame, loneliness and inner emptiness. And in this situation, not all of us are able to show rationality and common sense, so we often commit acts, which we regret later. After all, what happens next, after a person has received a real reason for doubting the loyalty of the second half or is it sure that the betrayal took place? He begins to exercise despotism, encroaches on the personal freedom of a partner, suspects and so on. Sometimes it comes to tragedy, because not everyone is able to control their emotions. But most often the joint life simply turns into torture for both, and in a number of cases ends in a rupture of relations, if not actual, then their spiritual component is accurate. Why? But after all, outbursts of jealousy are gradually burning in people's love, are forced to cause pain in response, humiliate and insult, that is, they simply kill the feeling of respect between a man and a woman.
Classification of zealous reactions
The psychology of jealousy is a subject of intimatestudying specialists in different fields of medicine. Through years of observation and research, they were able to classify the reactions that occur in people experiencing this feeling. Such systematization greatly helps psychologists to reveal its true causes and to find ways to effectively overcome them, allowing to save families. The feeling of jealousy is normal or pathological. By its content, it is divided into affective, behavioral and cognitive responses. Experiences associated with jealousy can be expressed in passive or active forms, psychologists also distinguish three levels of their intensity: moderate, deep and heavy. The latter leads to depressive phenomena. What is hidden behind each criterion of feelings of jealousy? If we speak about that manifestation of it, which is usually called normal, then in this case the reactions of the jealous or jealous are adequate and controllable, they also find understanding among those around them. As for pathological jealousy, it is like a tsunami that sweeps everything in its path, and is therefore quite dangerous. A person is not able to fight against his feelings and can often cause physical pain to his partner. Affective reactions are understood as emotions that we experience when we learn of or suspect treason: hatred, contempt, despair, hope, and so on. They can vary significantly depending on the type of person of each person. For example, artistic natures and people with a subtle spiritual organization, more often than others, may be in a state of passion from the fact of infidelity and suffer severe suffering if they suspect it. Cognitive perception is characterized, first of all, by the desire to analyze treason. A man tries to find out what is the cause of what happened, who is to blame for this. He wants to see the whole picture as a whole, to trace the interconnection of past and present events in order to correctly evaluate everything and predict the further development of the situation. And if treason has not yet occurred, it tries to prevent it in the future with the help of the intellect, not the kulaks. He approaches the fact of infidelity as rationally as he can by circumstances. This behavior is typical of people who are inclined to reflect and possess an asthenic personality. The struggle or rejection that often occurs in the soul of a person who is jealous is a behavioral reaction. They are expressed in trying to explain, talk, find out and establish relationships. In the course everything goes: threats, persuasion, requests and even blackmail. We are looking for ways to switch attention to ourselves: coquetry, imaginary illness, suicidal attempts and so on. If the hope for the restoration of past relations disappears, and the methods listed above do not work, the period of alienation, refusal and transition to officialdom in the further communication begins. Active jealousy is characteristic of people who have a sthenic and extroverted type of behavior. They tend to try to find evidence of treason or its refutation, are sincere in showing feelings, try to return a loved one and even compete with a rival. Asthenics and introverts tend to behave in a closed way, they experience their feelings inside and do not attempt to somehow influence the situation, thereby showing passivity. The intense coloring of experiences is related to how unexpectedly the change has broken into the couple's relationship. If this happens in a more than prosperous family, then the feelings caused by jealousy will turn out to be sharp and deep. After all, it is a faithful and faithful person who suffers more than others. Jealousy becomes especially intolerable if the husband or wife who called her is dragged out with a resolution of the situation and making an unequivocal decision. There are also factors that increase the feeling of jealousy:
- inertia, in which it is difficult to realize the fact of treason and decide on further actions;
- life in "pink glasses", in which there is no room for compromise;
- the proprietary mood inherent in egocentrics;
- overestimated self-esteem, which often leads to despotism in relation to the guilty partner;
- low self-esteem, conducive to self-abasement;
- isolation, in which the partner is the only close person, and his departure plunges into the abyss of loneliness;
- material or emotional dependence on a partner and so on.
The direction of aggression is also different.with jealousy. A man or a woman who would rather allow themselves to love than do it themselves, direct all their negative on the traitor. And people who actively express their feelings, feel aggression more towards a rival or rival, while they themselves justify the object of love in their own eyes.
Types of jealousy
Jealousy that arises in a man's relationshipand women, has four main types and is divided into tyrannical, strangled, converted and vaccinated. Each of them is a direct consequence of our own psychotypes, characters and beliefs. In most cases, the feeling of jealousy is the result of mixing several of its species with the predominance of one - the main thing. Tyrannical jealousy is typical for people with high self-esteem, despotic, stubborn and emotionally limited. They usually have very high requirements for the partner. Often it is precisely the inability to match them completely and leads to the fact that alienation occurs in the relationship. In such a couple, a man who has been changed looks for the cause of this not in himself, but completely and completely shifts the blame to the traitor and even ascribes bad inclinations to him. Often you can hear from the men the phrase: "Changed, because walking". This is a direct manifestation of tyrannical jealousy, resulting from an inability to self-analysis and self-criticism. Tyrants often in every way torment their partners, convicted of treason. They do not give a divorce, they threaten to take away children, they refuse to help them in their maintenance. It should be noted that such behavior is not aimed at trying to preserve relations, but is connected with the desire to cause retaliatory pain and thus self-asserting in one's own eyes. Even if the family does not disintegrate at once, then normal coexistence in it becomes impossible, since the tyrant does not know how to forgive, will constantly reproach the partner with the past and harbor suspicions in the future. People who have high suspiciousness, low self-esteem and are unsure of themselves, more often than others experience a kind of jealousy associated with strangled self-esteem. By the way, it is these people who tend to experience this feeling without a reason, seeing a rival or opponent everywhere. They regard any carelessness on the part of the partner as an excuse for doubting his loyalty and appeal to his guilt feelings - so to speak, for prevention. Some people of this type suffer in silence, carefully concealing their feelings, and thereby create tension in the family for no apparent reason. And the hysterical people are trying to bring every real or fictitious occasion for jealousy to the partner's attention, check his or her pockets, read messages in the phone, are interested in correspondence on the Internet and so on. Simply put, behave so that a person, and not thinking about treason, has already taken this step, in order to experience the blame for the case, and not just for that matter. The most common and prosaic kind of jealousy is a feeling, so to speak, of mirror reflection, or reversal. It is the result of the projection of one's own sins on the partner: if I change, it means that he or she can do it. Such jealousy arises if love and mutual respect leave the relationship, otherwise partners do not think about how to have fun on the side. As for grafted jealousy, the people around us are most often responsible for its occurrence. For example, a mother who survived the betrayal of her husband, inspires the growing daughter of the idea that all men are like that. A woman who has grown up with such beliefs looks at all members of the opposite sex through the lens of mistrust and, as it were, awaits confirmation of the mother's words, rooted in her mind. This kind can arise in case of hints of partner's infidelity from friends and acquaintances. As for male and female jealousy, it is based on various specific components. This feeling in the representatives of the stronger sex is based on the primitive instinct of the owner and the right of the strongest. That's why men sometimes find themselves in the dock for crimes based on jealousy. After all, the instincts to keep in check oh, how difficult. And here is the paradox: although men often change themselves because of the nature of polygamy inherent in them, but it's just harder for them to reconcile themselves with the fact of a partner's betrayal. Therefore, it is on the initiative of husbands that marriages in which the spouses turn out to be infidels most often fall apart. Female jealousy is due primarily to the maternal instinct. After all, the birth and education of children without male support is a very difficult matter. Therefore, nature gave us the right to count on this to help husbands, which will become impossible in the absence of their loyalty and devotion. Especially jealous women in the first years of the relationship, because they are in uncertainty, whether the man is near. But representatives of the beautiful half of humanity also tend to experience a dictatorial type of jealousy, based on a sense of ownership. For example, often a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law can not find a common language, as they constantly compete for influence on her husband on one side and on her son on the other. Or another example: a young wife in every way tries to protect her husband from communicating with friends, thereby trying to assert their right to own it alone. But more often than not, because of jealousy, the more unjustified, we suffer, women. Attempts to justify themselves and prove their innocence are meaningless or have a short-term effect. The scandals associated with this gradually destroy normal relations and kill all the love that lay at their base. And unfortunate in this case, not only adult family members, but also children who witness a loss of mutual respect between parents. If the manifestations of jealousy towards you are such that they already threaten the existence of the relationship itself, then the help of a qualified specialist can help a distrustful sufferer. Of course, there is a pathological form of this feeling. But more common is its more prosaic appearance, from which a good psychologist can easily help get rid of. In this case, therapy will be needed not only to the side of jealous, but also to the object of jealousy, because family is a common thing. We advise you to read: