You have a relative died - what to do? The death of any person, let alone the death of an dear and beloved loved one, is always an unexpected event. Even when a seriously ill person dies, who did not have a chance to survive and whose doctors warned about the death. The death of a loved one in most cases becomes a shock to anyone who bore such a loss. A person feels a loss of emotional ties, and a huge sense of guilt, a feeling of unfulfilled debt to the deceased, comes upon him. From memory, long forgotten details suddenly pop up: then I said not so, but then something did not, forgot something, something did not have time ... All these feelings and thoughts are oppressive, causing severe stress. After the departure of a loved one, there comes a realization that in your life this person will never be again. There is a feeling of pain and yearning for a heavy loss. Plunging into sorrow, a person ceases to perceive any information from outside and falls into a state of stupor. The only thing he can think about is how to survive the death of a loved one. It seems incredible - he's gone, and I still live! Psychologists distinguish seven stages of grief, through which people mourning for a close person pass. Moreover, these stages do not necessarily alternate in strict sequence - every person has everything individually. After the first stage of grief, it is possible to be on the fourth, then go to the second stage, return to the first ... Everything depends on the individual.

7 stages of grief

The first stage is negation: "This can not be! It's impossible for this to happen to me! "The reason for the denial is fear. Fear of what happened, fear of what will happen next. The mind, stricken with grief, tries to avoid reality, and the person tries to convince himself that nothing has happened and nothing has changed in his world. He simply can not accept the loss. Outwardly, he may look or numb, as if frozen in the grief, or, conversely, fussy-active - he worries about the funeral organization, he takes care of buying ritual supplies, calls up relatives and acquaintances, even tries to calm the others. It does not mean that in the second case a person easily suffers a loss. He just can not understand it yet. The trouble of preparing the funeral could well affect the one who fell into a stupor - the funeral organization, ritual services that must be ordered in special agencies, make a person somehow move, act, talk with people. And still need to find out what documents are needed for the funeral and get a funeral allowance. Starting to act, people willy-nilly come out of stupor. Therefore, it is important that others understand - it is not necessary to protect the deceased from these troubles. Ritual cares are more needed by the living than by the deceased, because they are taken out of the "frozen" state. Rituals become, as it were, a stepping stone to life without a deceased loved one. Sometimes it happens that in the denial phase a person generally ceases to adequately perceive the surrounding reality. He ceases to understand even who he is and where he is. This does not mean that he went mad. If this reaction is short-lived, then it fits within the normal range. It is advisable to help a person to get out of this state - to give him a sedative, to talk with him and always call by name. It must be remembered that in such a state there can be an impulsive desire to leave life after the deceased. Therefore, it is advisable not to leave the suffering person alone and try to distract him. Consolation and comfort in this situation is not worth it, it still does not help. Most often, funerals and wakes occur at a time when a person is going through the first stage. It is very important: if he cries, we must give him a cry, do not accelerate the funeral process, not take the grief-stricken person from the coffin. It's even good if he can cry. In the Russian funeral rituals, it was customary to invite mourners to the funeral, so that they could help cry out at the relatives of the deceased. Tears at a funeral help to heal from stress and mean the beginning of finding yourself, and you can not stop this process. Emotions should spill out, otherwise, staying inside, they begin to literally eat away a person, causing stress and carrying him sick. By the time of the end of the denial phase, a person begins to understand his loss, but his subconscious for a while still can not fully accept it. Therefore, a person at this time constantly runs into those things that remind him of the deceased, even if before he did not pay attention to them. He can see his loved one in the crowd, hear his voice. This is normal, and the relatives of the grieving person should not be afraid of his behavior. In most cases, the denial does not last too long, but it seems to soften the sense of the unexpectedness of death and gives the person the opportunity to prepare himself for the perception of the care of a loved one. Negation gives time for full awareness of what is happening. It's like a safety device - a protective reaction of the psyche, which helps not to go mad with grief. And as soon as a person is ready to accept what happened, he will be able to pass from the state of negation to the next stage. The second stage is anger. "Why did this happen to me?" What have I done that deserve this? "Anger, rage, resentment, even envy of those who escaped such a fate - these feelings, as a rule, capture a person completely and are projected onto everything and everyone around him. Nobody for him at this time will not be good enough and everyone, in his opinion, will do everything wrong. Such emotions are caused by the fact that everything that is happening is perceived as a huge injustice. The strength of these emotions depends on the person of the person and on how much he himself will allow himself to splash out. The third stage is an overwhelming sense of guilt. In memory different episodes of communication with the deceased begin to emerge, and awareness comes - not soft enough to talk, not enough attention paid. The person starts to torment the thought - but have I done everything to prevent this death? Most people who have died from someone close to them say: "If I did this or that, it would not have happened!" They are terribly sorry for not having done something on time. It often happens that the feeling of guilt remains with the person even after he passes through all the stages of mourning. The fourth stage is depression. "I give up, I can not stand it any longer." Most often, depression overtakes one who kept emotions in himself, tried not to show his feelings to others during the passage through the first three stages of mourning. He is exhausted energy and vitality, and the person loses all hope that someday everything will return to normal. The grieving person experiences deep sorrow, but does not want anyone to sympathize with him. He falls into a grim state, in which he does not want to interact with other people. Suppressing his feelings, he does not give out negative energy, and as a result becomes even more unhappy and lifeless. Depression after the death of a person who is dear to the heart can become an incredibly difficult life experience that has a negative impact on all other aspects of life. The fifth stage is pain relief and acceptance of what happened. After enough time necessary for the passage of the previous stages of grief, a person eventually reaches the stage of accepting the death of a loved one. He is ready to put up with what has happened, and take responsibility for his future life. Tears in this period, as a rule, becomes less. A person learns to live in a new world for himself-in a world in which there is already no dear man. He will progress to a state in which there will be no more depression or anger for the whole world, disappointments and feelings of hopelessness. The deceased closest in this period, the grieving man remembers already alive, and not dead, often talks about the memorable moments of the life of a loved one. Memories are pervaded by light sadness. A person feels that he has learned to properly manage his grief. The sixth stage is rebirth. "I change my life and start all over again." It is hard to accept a world in which there is no longer a loved one, but it is necessary to do this. As soon as a person reaches the stage of acceptance, he begins to pass to rebirth. At this time, he will need to spend a lot of time alone with himself, become silent and unsociable. It is necessary for him to listen to himself and try to find out himself again. The recovery process can take several weeks, months or even several years. The seventh stage is the creation of a new life. When a person comes out of a period of loss, after living all the stages of grief, much changes both in himself and in his life. Very often in this situation, I want to find new friends, change the environment, many even move to a new job or change their place of residence.

When grief does not go away

It's okay to feel sad,inhibition or anger after loss. But over time these emotions should become less intense, and you will gradually accept the loss and begin to move forward. If you do not feel better over time, or your grief is getting deeper, this may be a sign that your grief has transformed into more serious problems - a difficult grief or stress.

Complex grief

Sadness from the loss of someone you love, neverleaves completely, but it still should not always remain in the center of attention. If the pain from loss is so constant and strong that it keeps you from resuming normal life, then most likely you suffer from a violation known as a complex (or complicated) grief. Man seems to be stuck in a state of mourning and intense mental pain. He can not die for so long after the incident, his thoughts are so busy with the deceased person that it completely violates the course of his life and breaks all his relationships with other people. Symptoms of a complicated grief include:

• intense longing and sorrow for the deceased;
• obsessive thoughts or images of a loved one;
• rejection of death and a feeling of unbelief;
• imagination that a loved one is alive, looking for him in familiar places;
• avoiding things that remind you of the deceased;
• Extremely exaggerated anger or bitterness in connection with death;
• feeling of emptiness and senselessness of life.

The difference between grief and complicated grief

The difference between grief and clinical complicationsgrief is not always easy to identify, since they have many common symptoms. Nevertheless, there is still a difference. Of course, grief can be very deep and bitter. It includes a wide range of emotions and a combination of good and heavy days. But even when you reach only the middle of the process of mourning, while continuing to mourn, you will already allow moments of joy. With depression, on the contrary, the feeling of emptiness and despair is constant. Other features that allow us to judge the presence of a complicated grief:

• a deep, all-consuming sense of guilt;
• thoughts of suicide or a concern for death;
• feeling of hopelessness and uselessness;
• retardation, slow speech and body movements;
• loss of ability to perform daily duties at home and at work;
• auditory or visual hallucinations.

When should I seek professional help?

If you find any of the abovesymptoms of complicated grief, do not postpone treatment to a specialist. In the absence of treatment, a complicated grief can lead to life-threatening illnesses and even suicide. But the treatment will help you to return to normal life. Knowledge of the stages of passing through grief and grief can help a person better understand themselves and go through each of the stages with the least loss. Especially since depression after the death of a loved one can lead to prolonged stress, and this is a direct threat to health and mental well-being. It is very important not to allow stress to affect your health! Knowing the features and symptoms of stress, you can prepare for what awaits you ahead. It is quite possible to learn to come to an agreement with yourself at a new stage of life after the loss of a loved one! Symptoms of stress that can occur after a severe loss:

• Lack of sleep or often intermittent sleep. Going to bed, you can not sleep for several hours, or you constantly wake up during the whole night. Perhaps you wake up early in the morning and can not fall asleep again. Without sleeping, the whole day you feel tired and listless.
• Anxiety. Because of the ongoing crisis, you can not put your thoughts in order. You are tormented by the constant feeling that you have not finished something, you have not thought of something, you missed something. "Turn off" the feeling of anxiety does not work.
• Tearfulness. You could find a thousand reasons to cry. It seems that tears are always ready to flow from the eyes. In general, this is not bad, since crying gives an outlet to emotions and relieves tension. However, profuse tears and crying, passing into hysteria, definitely are a sign of uncontrollable stress.
• Loss of interest in everything. Even those things that previously seemed extremely important to you, now do not bother you at all.
• Inability to cope with ordinary matters. Even such simple and usual daily duties as buying food or preparing food seem impossible and take away the last forces.
• Panic attacks. While you are experiencing loss, you are overwhelmed by so many unfamiliar emotions so far that sometimes they can be mistaken for a premonition of something bad. You begin to feel that this time something bad should happen to you or to someone close to you.
• Immersion in your thoughts. You are so busy with thoughts of a lost loved one that you can even clearly imagine his voice, feel his smell.
• Irritability. Even the most insignificant things start to irritate. Even that which always brought only joy. For example, a dog that loves you faithfully, or your child, who is more expensive than anything.
• Devastation. Devastation becomes the culmination after the manifestation of all the above mentioned signs. You begin to feel that there is no strength even to live.

Do not be alarmed if you notice yourselfsymptoms. To experience stress from the loss of a loved one is perfectly natural. Time, love and support of friends and relatives will do their job, and stress will pass with time. Help yourself to get out of this state: practice special breathing exercises for relaxation, try to meditate to the music for relaxation, every evening go out for a walk to some park or on the shore of the reservoir - the noise of leaves or the kind of splashing water also help to relieve tension. Someone can be helped by a heart-to-heart conversation with friends, and someone will be relieved by visiting the church.

How to cope with grief and loss?

First tip - do not give up supportsurrounding. Even if you are not used to talking about your feelings out loud, it is important to allow yourself this when you are in grief. The most important factor in healing after losing loved ones is the support of friends, relatives and acquaintances. Their help will be necessary to you even at that stage, when only a relative has died, and you can not even figure out what you need to do yourself. They will help to issue documents for funerals, they will prompt you where to get funeral allowance. And later, after the funeral, do not shut yourself up. Always, when you are offered help, accept it and do not grieve alone. Communication with other people will help you to heal your mental wound faster. Refer to friends and family members. Now is the time to rely on people who care about you, even if you have always been proud of your strength and self-sufficiency. Do not fence off those who want to help you. Often people want to help, but do not know what is best for you. Let them know what help you expect from them - maybe crying, burying your shoulder, or maybe you need help with the funeral. Join the support group. In the mountain you can feel lonely even in the circle of friends. Communication with those who experienced such losses will give you the opportunity to share your grief with understanding people. In order to find a support group for your loved ones in your region, contact your local hospital, hospice, funeral home, or counseling center. If you still feel that your sorrow is too great and you lost control over it, consult a psychologist who has experience working with stress after grief. An experienced doctor will help you to understand yourself and cope with emotions. Tip two - take care of yourself. When you mourn, taking care of yourself becomes more important than at any other time. Stress from loss of a loved one can very quickly exhaust your energy and emotional reserve. Taking care of your physical and emotional needs will help you survive this difficult time. Give vent to your feelings. We have already said that the suppression of grief can only prolong the process of mourning and lead to depression, anxiety, health problems, and often alcoholism. Express your feelings in material form or through creativity. Write about the loss in your online diary. Make a photo album with photos from the life of a departed person, take part in matters that were important to him. Write a letter in which you tell the dear person everything you did not have time to say during his life, or share with him a story about what's new in your life since his departure. You will have a full feeling that a loved one has heard you. Take care of your physical health. Consciousness and body are related. When you feel good physically, emotionally you will also feel better. Resistance to stress and fatigue will be more successful if the body gets enough sleep, proper nutrition and physical activity. Do not use alcohol to drown the pain of grief or artificially raise your spirits. Do not let anyone define any boundaries and time frames for your grief and ways of expressing it. Your grief is your property, and no one can tell you when it's time to "move on" or "get over your emotions." Allow yourself to feel everything that you really feel, without embarrassment or judging yourself. You can cry, get angry at the world, shout to heaven, or, on the contrary, restrain the tears, if you see fit. It would be nice if you at least sometimes laughed. This will help to find for yourself some bits of joy when you are ready for it. Plan and think about situations in which your sadness can come with renewed vigor. This will help you emotionally prepare and avoid unnecessary stress. These can be anniversaries, holidays, milestones related to the deceased or dedicated to him. They evoke memories and feelings, and this is perfectly normal. If you want to spend such a holiday with other relatives, it is worthwhile to stipulate in advance what you would like to do in honor of the person whom you loved.

How to organize a funeral?

We, too, would like to render all possible assistance to people,who only learned about the misfortune that befell them. Realizing that at this time a person completely loses the sense of reality and often does not know what he should do, we will outline the funeral arrangements. If it so happened that you had to deal with funeral organization, it would be better to make a list of necessary actions, necessary documents and things. He will help you navigate in the hardest days.

If your loved one died at home

If he died at night, then you need to call an ambulancehelp "and the police. Doctors state death, police officers inspect the body for signs of violent death. Then the militia issues a protocol with the results of the inspection, an "ambulance" - a certificate of death. Only if these two documents are available, the body can be taken to the morgue. After the visit of the police and "first aid" call the special service for the transportation of the deceased. They will take the body and the documents you received - a death certificate and a body examination report. When the day comes, you will have to go to the address, which you will be called by the transportation service employees, and issue a death certificate. For its registration you will need:

• the passport of the deceased;
• his outpatient card;
• health insurance policy;
• passport of the applicant.

If your loved one has died in the afternoon, contact the district clinic. The doctor and body will examine, and ascertain death.

If your loved one died in the hospital

If death occurs in the hospital, you will be called from there. The body will be delivered to the morgue, and a certificate of death will be ready.

What to do next?

After you receive a certificate ofdeath, it will be necessary to collect the documents necessary for the funeral. Before, it is necessary to get a stamped death certificate from the district registry office. To obtain a certificate you will need to produce a medical certificate of death, your passport and the deceased's passport. When you receive the certificate, check the spelling of the date and place of birth of your relative, the date and place of death, the presence of a round seal and all necessary signatures. This is very important, because then in the emblem it will be impossible to correct anything. In the REGISTRY OFFICE you will be issued a certificate of death of Form 33. Under this certificate you will receive a social allowance for the funeral. This benefit is paid to the person who organized the funeral and paid for it. Receipt of a funeral benefit occurs at the institution in which the deceased worked or studied. If a pensioner has died, it is necessary to apply to the pension fund of the Russian Federation. Do not forget to pay for the services of the morgue and hand over to the employees necessary things for the deceased. For a man you will need:

• Underwear;
• socks;
• suit, shirt, tie;
• footwear;
• handkerchief;
• soap, a towel;
• comb;
• disposable razor;
• alcohol-containing lotion;
• dentures.

For woman:

• Underwear;
• combination or nightgown;
• stockings or pantyhose;
• headscarf;
• footwear;
• alcohol-containing lotion;
• soap, a towel;
• comb;
• dentures.

To forget nothing, write yourself a full list of the indispensable components of the funeral. The most important thing is that you must prepare:

the stamped death certificate;

body in a suit and with make-up;

Crematorium (if the body is cremated);

place in the cemetery or in the columbarium;

coffin (for cremation - an urn) and wreaths;

body transportation;

farewell procedure.

In addition, do not forget to notify relatives and friends and, if you wish, order and pay for the orchestra or church ritual ceremony.

Coffin and wreath

Even if you decide to cremate the body, you allIt is equally necessary to buy a coffin - this is required by sanitary norms. The criteria by which you need to choose a coffin is its appearance and affordability. Coffins, which are upholstered in cloth, the cheapest - from 2.5 thousand rubles. Wooden and polished coffins cost more - pine from 12 thousand rubles and maple or beech from 25 thousand rubles and above. You can buy an elite coffin made of solid cherry or oak. Inside, such a coffin is covered with velvet or crepe. The cost of 100 thousand rubles and more. The wreath is your last gift to the deceased. It can be from real flowers or from artificial flowers, with a signed ribbon, on which they will write the text you need. You can buy a ready-made wreath, and you can order according to your taste - for example, from the flowers that a dear person loved you during your lifetime. A ready-made wreath can be bought in a funeral services bureau, a specialized store or in a cemetery.

Assistance of the agent of the funeral services bureau

Funerals are a difficult and complicated procedure. Given that you are already shattered from the grief that has fallen on you, services for funeral arrangements should be ordered at the funeral services bureau. At you registration and the organization of a funeral will take away last forces, and for a funeral agent it is habitual work. He, unlike you, knows all the details of this procedure well and will not miss a single item from the list of necessary actions. You can call an agent by calling the funeral services bureau. It is very important to keep in mind: the bureau should have the status of a specialized city service (that is, they have the qualification checked and have permission to work in the ritual services sphere). The agent who arrives at your call should have an identification card, a plastic badge with his color photo, a price list and a catalog of ritual supplies. In conclusion, I would like to say - even when dying, a person continues to bear his energy to the descendants. She lives in the spiritual heritage that remains after him. Remember the deceased, tell them about your children and grandchildren. Let the "history of the family" collected from the grains be passed on from generation to generation. A person who has lived a decent life, after death continues to live in the hearts of loved ones. And loving relatives should understand that the process of mourning is not aimed at forgetting the person who left us, but learning how to live without him. We advise you to read:

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