All parents want their children to grow upgood, honest people. But more and more people are confronted with the problem of childish lies. Realizing that their child is telling a lie, parents often fall into despair and begin to look for answers to questions - what if the child is lying? And why in general in a normal, well-off family the child began to lie? Where did he learn this and who taught him this? Maybe his friends are so bad? And where to look for the guilty, if, for example, a very small child is lying, for example, who does not walk without his mother because of his age? Is it possible to fight against children's lies, and if possible, how? Of course, it's unpleasant to realize that something went wrong in the upbringing of your child. But first, let's try to determine what is a child's lie. The famous American psychologist Paul Ekman gave this definition: a lie is an intentional decision to mislead the person to whom the information is addressed, without warning of his intention to do so. If your child is still very small, it is unlikely that he deliberately decided to distort information to mislead you. He fantasizes, and he believes in his own fantasies. His fantasies - nothing more than a true fiction. They illuminate his thoughts from inside with a fairy-tale radiance, for his whole life seems to him a fairy tale. He quite sincerely can tell you that yesterday a live tiger came to visit him. Such a fantasy for children is natural, because he believes in fairies or in Santa Claus. For example, remember the story "Fantasers" of the children's writer Nikolai Nosov. The heroes of the story are two boys who tell each other about their adventures. They can easily swim across the sea, and they knew how to fly earlier, now they just forgot how. One of them even flew to the moon - it's not difficult at all! And the second, when he swam across the ocean, shark bitten off his head, so he swam without head to the shore and went home. And his head then a new one has grown ... If all of your child's lies is reduced to the writing of similar stories, then you are not at all worried about. This has nothing to do with lies. Your child has a very rich imagination, that's all. Perhaps, he has creative abilities, and they should be encouraged and developed. Before resorting to real childish lies, when untruth is said already deliberately, it happens that the child lies, not yet realizing it. Approximately up to four years old babies lie is absolutely not needed. It simply is not necessary. He just does everything he wants, and he thinks it's all right. He just does not realize the moral side of the concepts of lies and truth. In the mind of the baby, everyone thinks like he does. Young children simply do not know how to look at all events through the eyes of an adult. In addition, they still have not developed so-called "inner speech". They still do not know how to mentally, in advance, comprehending their own monologue. Therefore, they say immediately, without hesitation, everything that comes to mind. We can say that up to three or four years old children simply do not know how to lie. After four years, with the development of inner speech, the child has the ability to estimate in his mind what is worth saying and what is not. And after four years, the child begins to think about the questions - for what was grown angry today? was it possible to escape punishment? but for which he was praised today? What to do to be encouraged again? Thinking about how to make your life more comfortable to avoid "bumps", he suddenly realizes that there is a good way out - to tell lies. And then the psychology of children's lies is changing. Now the child begins to lie consciously, because lying now serves him as a means by which he makes his life easier. Especially when from parents he constantly hears prohibitions. Lying becomes a habit for a child, his protection. And it only depends on adults to stop this habit in the bud. In order to understand what to do if the child is lying, we must first understand why he does it. What benefit does he derive from himself when he lies? What reason makes him lie? Does he lie defensively, or does he attack you like that? Maybe his lie is a stereotype of behavior, something that he constantly sees in the reality surrounding him?
Causes of Childhood Lies
The lie of a child is the signal that it sendsyour parents. After all, he will not lie if everything is in order in his life. It is very important to understand what kind of need is behind his lies. Having understood this, it is possible to understand the causes of childish lies. After all, a child is lying not because he does not love his parents or does not respect them. And not because his moral values are weak. There are many different external causes that push a child to lie. The child's lies also take different forms. Let's try to understand what a lie is and how it can be explained. To do this, we need a kind of diagnosis of childhood lies - because only knowing the diagnosis, you can treat the disease.
- Lying is fantasy, lying is a game. We have already spoken about it. This can not be called a lie. Children just amuse themselves by giving their imaginations plenty of space.
- Lying is manipulation. This is a lie, to which the child resorts for self-assertion. It is difficult to distinguish it from lies-games. It seems at first glance that there is no difference. The child also writes about himself fables, attributing to himself extraordinary abilities. But a lie - the game is completely disinterested, like any game. And its purpose is the game itself. But when a child tells a lie in order to assert himself, he pursues a completely different goal: he wants to surprise, make admire, wants to draw attention to himself. That is, he wants to manipulate the feelings of others for his own good. Here in the course can go and proud stories about the wealth of parents, about kinship with the celebrity, or vice versa, stories about how he was unfairly offended, how no one likes him, etc. The main thing is to become the center of attention, even for a little while.
- Lies for fear. This is the most common kind of lie. The child is lying, because he is afraid that he will be punished or reduced. Shame is one of the most painful experiences, and for a child the cause of a painful experience can be even what in the eyes of adults may seem a trifle. In addition, a child may lie for fear of grieving, disappoint parents, or perhaps for fear of being rejected, devoid of parental love. In any case, if the cause of child lies is fear, then there is a violation of mutual understanding between parents and the child. It is very important to understand: where, when was the trust and security in the relationship lost? Did it not happen that punishments and restrictions are disproportionate to guilt, and the child is condemned where he is waiting for support? And it is possible that the child needs confidence that his problems are not indifferent to others.
- "Both ours and yours." Such lies are most often found in families in which relatives conflict with each other. For example, when my mother and grandmother took the position of confrontation. Grandmother believes that her daughter improperly educates a child, poorly conducts an economy, does not know how to plan expenses ... And her daughter thinks that my mother does not consider my opinion on education, she pampers her grandson, she interferes with my life all the time. Now think about what the child is like? After all, he constantly communicates with his grandmother, and with his mother. And he loves them equally. At the same time, he understands perfectly well that grandmother and mother are unhappy with each other. But it is very important for him to be loved. What's left for him? With the grandmother to support her opinion of my mother, and with my mother - to agree with everything that she says about grandmother.
- Imitation of adults. Quite often adults lie at children, not noticing that they are closely watched by children's eyes. And it also happens that adults themselves ask the child to lie. And if today the child, at your request, tells someone by phone that you are not at home, while exactly at home you are, do not be surprised that tomorrow he will tell lies to you. After all, the child begins to lie because he imitates you, considering the lie just an element of communication.
- "The holy lie is a lie for salvation." Can a child lie in order to help someone, and sometimes even to save? At what age can he do it? Do not even doubt - maybe at a fairly early age. You just remember children's performances or performances in a children's theater. After all, even four-year-old spectators amicably shout to the gray wolf, that the bunny ran to the right, while the eared-for one galloped to the left. So the "lie to save" has a very low age limit, which is proved by the experiments of scientists studying the psychology of children's lies.
- Lies of revenge. It happens that the child is constantly in conflict with his parents. It seems to him that his parents completely stopped loving him, and maybe they did not even like him before. So he avenges them for lack of love with the help of lies.
- The reason for the lie may be that the childit seems that parents have stopped loving him. Feeling rejected, he desperately tries to attract attention in any way. Even if eventually the parents get angry and even punish him, he will still be glad that they paid attention to him. And will continue to seek attention in the same way. And in order to improve his self-esteem a little and stand out a little among the rest, he will again resort to lies.
- Unmotivated lie. Doing the "diagnosis of children's lies", I must say that this is the most hopeless case. The child lies as unconsciously and constantly as breathes. For him it's just a habit, everyday routine. The child constantly lies, not thinking about the consequences of deception. Usually the consequences do not even bother him. Even after being repeatedly convicted of lies, he continues to lie further. As a rule, the behavior of such a child is practically not amenable to correction. The reason for such a lie, apparently, is in genetics, after all, it happens that several families lie in one family at once, and the parents-liars, children, as a rule, also lie.
When a child grows up, parents startit seems that now one can count on his consciousness. After all, childhood fantasies and fears are already over! But in adolescence, there are new reasons for lying. So why do children lie in 14 years not less than in 4 years? Lies in adolescence. When a child becomes older, he needs more autonomy from adults. The child begins to create such an inaccessible space for everyone, where only himself can manage. First, as a child, this hobby for playing "secretaries", and in adolescence, there are already real secrets that a teenager can entrust only to a selected circle of people. Sometimes the desire to be independent leads teenagers to a completely meaningless lie. So, he can say that he was in training, although in fact he went to the library. And this despite the fact that parents would not be scolded for any library, nor for training. It's just that a teenager is in the process of forming his private, private life. This is just a sign of growing up, and parents should not be upset. The desire to escape from control is the main reason for teenage lies. This is a kind of rebellion against the fact that you are trying to demand a detailed report from an adult child - where was he with whom, what did he do? If you really do this, then it's no surprise that you began to convict your adolescent child of lying, even if he had never deceived you before. Lying for salvation during adolescence is also used quite often. Since at this age friendship is given special significance, it is a noble act, in the opinion of a teenager, to lie in order to save his friends in acute moments. Quite sincerely he will think that he does not do anything wrong, using for the rescue of peers lie in any form - silence, denial of the obvious and the like. Another reason why children and at 14 years old lie, like small ones - is again attracting attention to themselves. It happens in those cases when a teenager is not sure that he still loves his parents or is not interested in his peers. Perhaps the child believes that with the help of lies he can overcome the barrier between himself and people whose opinion of himself he values. And at the same time he does not understand that he can finally lose their trust. Parents need to warn their child about this. And they need to think about whether their child does not feel deprived? Do you pay enough attention to him in the family? Is it possible to say with certainty that a child feels that he is not only loved but also appreciated, with his opinion considered?
Signs that the child is lying
If the child lies constantly, then you can quite determine this for some quite obvious signs. You should be alert if, while talking to you, your child does the following:
- tries to look away, does not look into your eyes;
- when something says, suddenly puts his hands to his mouth. Toddlers make this gesture more clearly, in older children, the gesture becomes less expressive, although it remains noticeable;
- the child often coughs during a conversation;
- touches the nose, not realizing it;
- rubs the eye, chin or temple;
- touches the neck or pulls the collar;
- Takes the earlobe.
If, while talking to you, the child holds handsin his pockets, then, most likely, he wants to hide something from you. These, of course, are just some of the signs. Attentive parents notice any change in the behavior of their children. And if the child lies, what to do with it - it is necessary to solve without haste and not relying on emotions. After all, if a child lies, it means that in your relationship there was a crisis of confidence. And this is your fault. Therefore, punishing a child for lying is, of course, very simple, but unfair. You are older and more experienced, and you decide how to get out of the crisis. Talk with the child on an equal footing, in a friendly way, try not to convict him, do not generalize all his misdeeds - just talk about a specific case. And if you have not completely lost his confidence, then the child will go with you to such a conversation.
How to disaccustom a child to lie
So, you found that your child is lying, but thatdo with it - you do not know? When a child lies to you, then it feeds on signaling that everything is not right in his world. Very often a child's lie allows attentive and wise parents to understand what is happening in the child's soul, what torments him, causes anxiety and even fear. In such situations, a lie for a child is like a balm for spiritual wounds. Therefore, you should not hurry with punishments and show your severity, indignantly and irritably "letting off the pair." It is necessary to try to understand what exactly makes your child lie and try to help him. There is no simple recipe how to wean a child to lie. In each situation - their own ways of solving the problem. And if we have already mentioned the penalties, then we will begin with them. Try to analyze, do not you have too high demands on the child? Perhaps they do not correspond to its capabilities. Do not you resort to constant teachings, notations? Perhaps the child is constantly under the yoke of fear - fear of humiliation, fear of punishment? Is not a lie just a defense, a shield against this fear? In this case, you need to review your methods of impact on the child. For example, your child brought a bad evaluation from school. Will the two disappear from the fact that you will punish your offspring? Of course not. But after the punishment, the trust between you and your child will disappear. How do I proceed? To punish is not necessary, as punishment only confirms the child's fear, and he will lie even further, reasoning: now it's unlucky and I was caught, and next time will carry and I will not have anything! It will be much more correct to support the correct pattern of behavior in a child: to do with it work on mistakes, to help understand the topic that is incomprehensible to him, to praise him for his efforts, to rejoice with him, corrected in the future evaluation. And support him if he next time will tell the truth about the bad evaluation he received. Never try to make from your child a source of only positive emotions. The child also has the right to negative emotions. If it is not discharged with their help, it can not prevent stress, being freed from spiritual "slag". Therefore, with understanding, consider possible manifestations of a bad mood, giving the child the right to different emotions, and then he will not befuddle you with the usual lie. What should I do if your child is still young, but has already started to lie because he did something wrong and now is afraid that if the parents find out the truth, they will stop loving him? If you see that the child was lying, then sit next to the child so that you become as one growth with him and your eyes are at the level of the child's eyes, and calmly tell him that you are asking to tell the truth and punish him for it you will not. Be sure to emphasize that you love him and trust him. And keep your word - do not abuse the baby, what would he have not told you, but help him understand the situation, support him, teach him how to do it right. Then your child will continue to trust you, and he will lose the need for lies. If the child is older and has already learned to benefit from his lies, then it is necessary to explain very clearly to the liar that he will be punished first of all for lying, not for his misdeed. Show him that he undermined your confidence in him. Say, for example, like this: "How could you lie to me? I always believed you! Today, I forbid you to go for a walk (or watch TV, play on your computer ...) for being a liar! "If a teenager is lying, and the cause of his lies was an attempt to attract attention, then try to devote more time to his child's affairs, dreams. Be interested in its successes, praise it and admire. Ask him about everything that happens in the school, about his friends. In soya turn, tell him about how your day went, about your work. If the cause of the lie was an attempt to get out of your control, it would be best to involve the teenager in discussing and solving domestic problems so that the child could see that his opinion was being taken into account and considered with him. Do not forget to tell your growing up child as often as possible that you still love him very much. If he knows about this, it will be difficult for him to lie to you. Remember that a child is honest with his parents if:
- not afraid of their anger, not afraid to be rejected by them;
- I am sure that no matter what happens, adults will not humiliate him;
- knows that he will be supported in a difficult situation, will be helped by advice;
- knows that in a controversial situation you will take his side;
- firmly knows that if he is punished, then the punishment will be just and reasonable;
- there is trust between parents and children.
Our children are a repetition of ourselves. And one should never forget - from how honest and sincere you are, and how trusting a relationship between you and the children will depend on how much your child is truthful with you. If you remember this, you will never have to puzzle over how to wean a child to lie. We advise you to read: