Friendship is one of life's greatest gifts.It is a wonderful relationship between two people who are close in spirit, care about each other and want only the best for each other. True friendship brings honest and faithful relations between friends who understand each other in a way that no one else can. In a healthy friendship, both friends feel comfortable. They can always count on each other's support and comfort, they are there for each other in the best and worst times of their lives. Friends make us happy and laugh, instill confidence in ourselves and help enrich our life experience. But sometimes an initially healthy friendship degenerates into a depressing relationship when one friend becomes emotionally dependent on the other. Being together is no longer fun, almost every meeting becomes completely depressing. Friendship begins to bear only poisoned fruits.

How to determine if you have an addiction?

If you feel like something has changed in your relationship with your friend, try to determine what exactly happened. Ask yourself the following questions:

• Despite your help and support, does your girlfriend feel unhappy all the time?
• Do you offer your girlfriend much more help than you get from her?
• When you meet or talk on the phone, your girlfriend always dominates the conversation, talking about her problems?
• Does she show almost no interest in your life or your problems?
• Have you ever noticed that your girlfriend feels much better after she "loads" you with her experiences?
• Do you sometimes have the desire to avoid another meeting with your girlfriend?
• Do you feel trapped by continuing your friendship?
• After every new meeting with your girlfriend, do you feel exhausted?

If you answered yes to most of the questions, then your girlfriend is clearly emotionally dependent on you. Let's continue asking ourselves questions:

• Do you think that for a sense of personal safety and good self-esteem, do you require the constant presence or support of your girlfriend?
• Do you have a sense of loss if you can not be with her?
• Do you demand that the love and sympathy of a friend belong exclusively to you?
• Do you perceive other friends of your girlfriend or even members of her family as your competitors?
• Are you jealous of her?
• You are not able to make any decision or take any action without the approval of a friend?

Then, undoubtedly, you are emotionally dependent on your girlfriend.

Characteristics of dependent relationships

Emotionally dependent relationships at firstmay seem quite harmless, but they can lead to slave dependence much more than most people can imagine. In order to distinguish between normal, mutually enriching interdependence between friends and unhealthy dependence, we will now consider the factors that lead to the latter: how and why emotional dependence on a person begins and how it is maintained. We have already pointed out some signs of emotional dependence in friendship. In order to make it even clearer what this phenomenon is, we will point out some more signs, the presence of which in a relationship with a friend should alert you. And this should happen if one of you two:

• He prefers to spend time alone with his girlfriend and is very disappointed if someone or something prevents this;
• Treats a girlfriend's relationship with other people as a threat to your relationship;
• Experiencing irrational anger or depression when a friend is going somewhere;
• Refuses to see the real shortcomings of a friend and takes a defensive position, if you ask about it;
• Constantly shows other people their value for a friend.

How do dependent relationships differ from healthy ones?friendship? Healthy relationships are free. Friends do not prevent each other from having a circle of interests and communication that would go beyond their friendship. In friendship, we strive to give our friend an impetus to find new interests and develop new skills. In dependent relationships, all this is impossible, since the established type of relationship only leads to limitation of personal growth. In normal relationships, we calmly perceive everything our friends say and do to us, and our reactions are balanced; when we are emotionally dependent, casual remarks from a friend can send us to the heights of ecstasy or throw us into the abyss of grief. If a close friend leaves us, it is normal to feel sadness and a sense of loss; for a dependent person, this will mean immersion in melancholy, panic and despair. Healthy friendship gives joy and creation, dependence brings degradation and slavery.

Settings for dependence in friendship

Emotional dependence becomesunexpected for most people; they don’t see the problem until they are faced with it. However, addiction does not occur in a vacuum. Certain elements of our personalities and situations can trigger such a course of events. Being aware of these will allow us to determine when to be especially careful in our friendships. Who is susceptible to addiction (personality patterns)? In general, anyone can become dependent on another person under the pressure of circumstances. However, there are several common personality patterns that consistently gravitate towards each other to form an addiction. Variations on this theme include:

• Type of relationship "counselor + a person with problems";
• Type of relationship "one who likes to keep everything under control + one who needs direction";
• Type of relationship "parent + child";
• Type of relationship "teacher + student".

Although these couples look like a tandem of strong andweak, needy personality, in fact both people are in need. The “weak” one needs help and support, and the “strong” one has a deep need to be needed. Situational settings: when are we most vulnerable? At different times in our lives, each of us experiences uncertainty and is ready to grab a saving helping hand. Here is when this can happen:

• Crisis situations in life - divorce, death of a loved one, loss of work;
• Transitional periods - the need to adapt to new work, moving to a new home, entering a university, starting a family life;
• The peak of the pressure period is the last week of the session, work at work is a serious illness, a quarrel in the family, big holidays and their eve;
• When we leave the usual situation, where we feel comfortable and safe - a trip to rest, treatment in a sanatorium, participation in a conference, departure on a business trip.

We are also vulnerable when we are bored or indepression. The best way to avoid the troubles of becoming dependent during this time is to recognize our need for support and plan for these needs in advance, within the framework of healthy friendships. The main thing is to remember that problems begin to develop and accumulate when we demand too much support from one person, trying to solve all our problems with their help.

Why is it hard to get rid of addiction?

Even when both friends understand that theyfriendship becomes unhealthy, they may have great difficulty overcoming the addiction. Why does this happen? Because we tend to stick to relationships that we believe are beneficial to us in some way. No matter how painful the addiction is, it still gives us some satisfaction. The fear of losing this satisfaction makes it almost impossible to give up the growing addiction. Some of the supposed benefits of such an addiction include:

• Emotional security - dependent relationshipsgive us the feeling that we have, at least, at least one person to whom we can fully count. This gives rise to a sense of belonging to someone;
• The need for spiritual intimacy, warmth and love - it can be filled with such a dependent connection;
• Self-esteem - our ego is strengthened when someone admires us and praises;
• Liberation from boredom - a relationship that could add excitement and romance, when life seems boring, can really be exciting;
• Escape from responsibility - the emphasis on maintaining a dependent relationship in friendship can provide a way out of the personal problems and responsibilities we face;
• Stability - many people and do not know other ways to maintain a relationship. They are afraid to give up what they know, for the sake of something unknown.

But as for you specifically, why do you allow yourself to continue an unhealthy friendship based on dependency? To help you decide, we suggest you answer a few more questions:

• Do you really want to feel necessary and meaningful for a friend?
• Do you want to be something of a glue that would keep people together?
• Do you get annoyed when your girlfriend tries to solve not only your problems?
• Do you find other people's problems more important than your own?
• Do not you try to get other people to focus on your problems?
• Do you feel dissatisfied with your relationship with your girlfriend?
• Do you feel guilty about something?
• Do you have problems with defining and protecting your personal boundaries?

Answer these questions, and then go back to the first part of this article and determine whether your friendship is a healthy or dependent relationship.

Exit from addiction - where to draw a line?

Now is the time to think about how to make oursrelationships with friends more secure, to avoid constant disappointments. Finding satisfaction and peace in our relationships with other people is a priority; but how do we change old patterns, how do we get rid of emotional dependency? If you or your friend have needed each other for a significant period of time, changing the nature of your friendship will not be easy. It is especially difficult to rid a relationship of dependency if it is not you who is dependent, but your friend, and at the same time you are the only one who understands the need for some changes. Perhaps your friend has already scared off all her previous friends with her tendency to dependency, and perhaps you are the only person who agrees to tolerate her. But this should not be your problem, and she needs to learn to stand on her own feet, without relying on constant support from others. You should not do for someone what they are able to do for themselves. We should help our friends to become stronger and more self-sufficient, and not further encourage their weakness and dependency. True love for a friend can sometimes be quite tough, because it is not for nothing that they say that kindness must have fists! There are various ways to cope with dependent people. Here are some of them:

• Be honest. Tell your girlfriend what bothers you and how her behavior affects you. Explain that you simply can not play this role any further.
• Change the nature of your relationship. Set clear boundaries so that she can know what she should not do and say.
• Make a plan for a pleasantpastime in a fun company, to radically change the focus of your relationship. Agree that once the merry event is over, you will immediately go home, keeping a good mood, and do not remain to discuss its problems.
• Invite your friend to expand your social circle, findnew friends, recording, for example, in clubs on interests. Explain to her that this will relieve unnecessary pressure on you; make it clear that you consider it unreasonable to wait for it so that you are the only partner for communication.
• Tell a friend that you need to focus on solving your own problems and should take care of your family, which also has its needs.
• Make a break in friendship, give yourself a break from it. You have the right to your own time, and you have the right to enjoy your life.
• Gradually distance yourself from your friendship, spending less time solving the problems of your girlfriend. So you will teach her to be independent.
• If you see that dependence takes a painful character, advise your girlfriend to turn to a psychologist.
• If you have tried everything that was possible, and the results have not been received, then it's time to say goodbye to such a friendship.

Emotional dependence indicates the presence ofa big problem that it would be unwise to ignore. While a healthy friendship is a balanced relationship characterized by mutual, not one-sided, concessions and efforts. Girlfriends are not a doctor and a patient. Supporting a friend should lead to personal growth, not to new problems. A good friend will appreciate your generous efforts to help her, and will not take advantage of them and become dependent on you. A good friend will respect you and will never want to become a burden to you! We recommend reading:

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