Very often children's psychologists and teachers hearfrom parents a very common question: the child does not obey what to do? It would seem that this problem exists as much as there are parents and children - that is, always. And at first glance, it may seem that for such a long period of time the scheme of raising a child should be honed to trifles, and must be passed on from generation to generation. However, in practice it turns out not at all - and this is not surprising. After all, time does not stand still, not only parents, but also children, the way of life, moral values of society and many other things that in one way or another affect the course of the educational process are changing. And especially many similar changes and contradictions in our time - the world has changed very much literally in the last ten years. Very many parents are completely confused, as a result of which, in communication with the child, they can communicate uncertainly, inconsistently, without clearly indicating the boundaries of what is allowed. And it is not surprising that any child immediately feels such uncertainty of parents, and immediately try to use it to "pull the blanket over" and force parents to make parents exactly what they need. But for sure almost all parents understand that they are doing something wrong. As a result, a nervous, tense atmosphere arises - mom, dad, and child are nervous. And all other household members are unlikely to remain calm for a long time against the background of systematically unfolding battles. The outcome of such an educational process can be twofold: either parents simply simply wave at their disreputable son or daughter with a hand, giving the child completely and completely to themselves, or that, of course, it is much more reasonable, they seek help from child psychologists, or, with their absence, to professional psychologists. And not always in such situations it is a question of a teenager! Very often, parents of very young children, 5-7 years old, come to the above-mentioned specialists. And this is a rather sad tendency - because if parents can not cope with a naughty child, while he is still young, it's terrible even to think about what will happen in such a difficult transition age. That is why raising a child is extremely necessary. However, unfortunately, the ready-made recipes of the only correct action in a given situation simply does not exist. Of course, there are several basic rules and techniques, but parents should remember that all children are exclusively individual, and that which is suitable for one child will be categorically unacceptable for another. Parenting is an exclusively creative activity, and parents must acutely feel the needs of their child, like a good musician is his instrument. First, parents should have as much information as possible about their child's life - the circle of communication, desires, interests, goals. However strange it may seem, unfortunately, a large number of parents have no idea what their children are living. And there is nothing surprising in the fact that it is very difficult to find a common language with the child - in fact in such a situation parents have virtually no common points of contact with their child. So where does the understanding come from? And if the parents want to establish relationships with their children, have sufficient influence on them, they should be prepared to work hard to have a lot. And shift the process to the shoulders of psychologists and educators will not work either - after all, parents should establish relationships, establish contact and direct the actions and actions of the child in the right direction.
So why do conflicts arise?
Very often those parents who for some reasonreasons lost contact and understanding with their child, ask themselves and others the same question - why did this happen? Where did they make a critical mistake, after which the inevitable breakdown began? Of course, in each family these reasons are their own, however, children's psychologists identify several main reasons that somehow influence this process. These reasons include:
- Struggle for power
One of the most frequent culprits of conflictsgenerations is the elementary struggle of parents for the right to play the first violin in the life of the family. As a rule, children are very much going through conflicts between mom and dad. However very soon they begin to see in these conflicts the possibility to deviate from the rules, not to obey, or even manipulate parents at all. Very many parents, rightly believing that any conflicts are not for the children's ears, find out the relationship without the presence of the child. However, it would be naive to believe that the child will remain completely ignorant - the children are very good and sensitive psychologists, and they will understand very quickly what's what.
- Full subordination to the interests of the child
Another model of family relations, whichmeets very often - this is an unconditional submission to the desires of the younger members of the family, and the organization of the family way, taking into account only the children's needs. However, psychologists like these parents are advised to stop as soon as possible and reconsider their views on life. Of course, it goes without saying that the main meaning of life for almost all parents is their children. But you should not forget about yourself either, because with the birth of a child your life does not end, but only becomes more saturated. And there is nothing wrong with the fact that your children will spend a month in the village with their grandmother, not in a camp in hot countries. But you can finally after all these years let yourself escape to rest to the sea. And if the whole life of the family only revolves around children, then very soon children will acquire such unpleasant qualities as laziness, selfishness, total irresponsibility and other "delights." And parents should always remember that the child will sooner or later grow up. And he will - forcibly have to live in a society of people for whom your child will be just a member of the society, but not just an outstanding personality, as he is for you. And think for yourself, how will your selfish child feel, who is used to the fact that all his whims are fulfilled immediately, as if by magic? Of course, there are a lot of other causes of conflict between children and parents. However, all of them, as a rule, are based on these two main mistakes of the parents. Family and child psychologists recommend, before the beginning of the solution of the problem, to objectively and impartially assess and identify all those mistakes that parents make in communicating with their children.
Who is to blame and what to do?
So, the fact that the problem still exists,parents understood and accepted, as inevitability. This is already good, because, as you know, recognition of the problem is half the solution. Their mistakes must be able to recognize. And, accordingly, to carry out the most real work on the mistakes, in fact, almost always the main culprits of the conflict of generations, unfortunately, are precisely the parents - they are much older and smarter than the child. And, accordingly, they should look for a way out of the current situation. So, what mistakes are most often made by parents? This we asked to tell a child psychologist. And that's what he told us. The first thing that parents need to do is look at themselves from their side. Yes - yes, carefully observe yourself - how you communicate with each other, with the child himself, with relatives and just acquaintances. Alas, often the model of communication is too far from the ideal. But children, like a sponge, absorb everything in themselves. And the behavior of the closest to the child of people - parents - he copies completely and completely. And the prohibitions here can hardly be corrected, because most often the child acts completely unconsciously - on a subconscious level. Particular attention should be given to their possible statements about the bosses at work, or the teachers and teachers of the child, especially in the presence of the child himself. By doing this, you let him know that denying power and authority is a perfectly normal and common thing. And, accordingly, it is quite natural that the child will think in exactly the same way. As a result, he stops perceiving teachers and teachers, constantly questioning their authority. Moreover, they often enter into an open conflict with an adult, and even "nod" to you: "they say, and my mother says ...". Agree, very unpleasant situation. But the worst thing that can happen is that a child sooner or later, with a high degree of probability, can cast doubt on your credibility. Therefore, psychologists advise to be extremely cautious and careful with critical statements in relation to adults, and even more so to educators and teachers. And especially do not figure out the relationship with the child - it's better to spend a few minutes and go to the kindergarten or school at a time when the child next to you will not be. Of course, in order to comply with all these requirements, parents will need all their self-control and constant careful self-control. But very soon such behavior will go back to normal and become for you a common thing. And the efforts spent will be worth it - because the child's behavior will begin to change almost before our eyes. And this is exactly what is needed in this case. Another important point - remember that a child has the right to protection. And this right is not without reason included in the official convention on the rights of the child of the United Nations. By nature, it is extremely important for a child to feel fully safe. To this very many parents can argue rather stormily: after all, we protect the child from any dangers as far as possible! Of course, with this no one argues, you protect the child from dangerous household items, from dangers on the road, from various diseases and the like. However, remember that the child is in dire need not only to protect himself from the real danger, but also from dangerous information until he learns to really perceive this or that information, and, accordingly, realistically and adequately assess it. Typically, this ability appears in a child about twelve to thirteen years. And as long as the child is small, parents should carefully guard against the crumbs from various negative information. Try not to include news channels and too harsh realistic movies with a small child. And since it turned out that the child still saw this or that unpleasant plot, be sure to tell him that soldiers, police or firefighters will necessarily correct the situation and save everyone. Child psychologists say that for a full and harmonious development the child should be completely and completely confident that the world around him is exceptionally kind and fair. Otherwise, the whole nature of the child can very strongly oppose and rebel. And as a result, parents will get an absolutely uncontrollable aggressive or hysterical child. It is very important for parents to be strictly consistent in their words and deeds. If you promised something to a child, fulfill your promise at all costs. And if it really does not work to fulfill what was promised, due to extraordinary insuperable circumstances, do not brush it off at all, but be sure to talk with the child, explain to him why you did not manage to keep your word, and appoint a new date. Otherwise, the child will stop trusting you. And without trust, there is no need to talk about any good relations. The same goes for prohibitions. If you have forbidden something to your child, do not go in his way and do not cancel your ban. For the normal development of the child, he must know exactly what is allowed. Otherwise, there is a very high risk that the child will experience an almost irresistible temptation to try to expand its scope. However, it is necessary to be very careful with prohibitions. It is not necessary to completely and completely limit the child's life by strict prohibitions. They should only be when bans are really vital and necessary. After all, you are not despots, but first and foremost loving parents. So, for example, you should not forbid watching TV or using a computer just because you have a bad mood today. By the way, one should mention a bad mood separately. Never, under any circumstances, it is unacceptable to disrupt your anger and bad mood on your child. Perhaps he will endure it in silence, but very quickly will overcome this bad habit of disrupting his bad mood on others - friends, teachers, brothers, sisters, and even you. And get rid of this habit is extremely difficult. Therefore, parents should carefully monitor their emotions. Of course, do not be in a bad mood to try to portray a cheerful smile. However, it is much more sensible to tell a child that at the moment something is bothering you, so you are not disposed to conversations. However, promise him to necessarily talk - draw - play - read - a little later. Believe me, even the smallest child will understand you. And you completely and completely eliminate conflict situations and misunderstandings. Another very common mistake of parents is inconsistency in matters of education. So, for example, you did not allow your daughter to go to your girlfriend. And my daughter immediately ran to my father, who easily released his daughter. Agree, absolutely absurd and unacceptable habit. And once a child sees such disagreements in the educational policy of the pope and mother, he will certainly abuse him regularly. Parents in matters of education should act as a solid granite slab! Of course, even in the most ideal married couple without disagreements in the policy of educating children is extremely difficult. But, in no case, do not figure out the relationship and do not resolve these disagreements in the presence of the child, as he can start behaving badly, finding that parents themselves do not know what is required of him. In no case do not leave the child's misdeeds without punishment. Of course, it's not about accidentally breaking a cup or torn trousers - no one is immune from this. But if this child, raspsihovavshis, hurled into the wall, or cut his pants in order not to wear them, the punishment should be, and immediately. Psychologists generally are not advised to postpone the execution of punishment, since for virtually all children the expectation of punishment is the most difficult test, negatively affecting their psyche
Mom or girlfriend?
There is another critical error thatmost often it is the mothers with regard to the daughters. They want to become true friends. Of course, this desire is worthy of respect and praise. However, in no case must we forget that a girlfriend may need to be around when she is a teenager, and the baby needs a mother. And, in fact, even a teenager should remember that the mother is primarily a mother. And therefore, in no case should we allow a familiarity in relation to ourselves. Affection and tenderness do not necessarily have to go hand in hand with familiarity. A child simply needs a strong parental arm, help and support, otherwise its harmonious development is simply impossible.
Praise the child
Also, when talking about what to do if the child does notobeys, one can not help but talk about such an important instrument of upbringing as praise. Almost always, parents praise the child only for their academic success, thereby focusing only on their academic success. Of course, good academic performance is extremely important. But it is not the only value. The child should also be praised for his other qualities - for his responsiveness, ingenuity, kindness, patience, tact. Such praise will focus the child on the development of those qualities that will be useful to him in adulthood. And most importantly, what parents should remember: your best advice in raising a child should be your love. And you do not begin to ask the question: the child is naughty, the hysterical does not obey what to do? You will not be confused, and you will already know exactly what to do if the child does not obey. We advise you to read: